Tales of Evangelion
by Mizagium
Summary: Somehow, the entire cast of Evangelion has been replaced with the cast of Tales of Symphonia. Well, except Asuka. Now, forced to deal with their own special brand of crazy, she still has to find time to kill the Angels. My money's on the Angels.
1. This Chapter Contains Inappropriateness

**Tales of Evangelion**

**Chapter 1**

**This Chapter is Very Inappropriate  
**

Asuka Langly Soryu, child prodigy, master of six languages, holder of several university degrees at Master level, genius pilot of Evangelion Unit 02, and all around superbitch, could find any words to express her complete and utter confusion at the sight of a boy, probably three years older than herself, dressed in a pirate outfit, swinging two wooden swords around with reckless abandon, shouting, "Argh, me hearties!" In the end, she settled on an English word, one who's literal meaning didn't quite translate over into either Japanese or German, but still managed to convey her emotions quite well. And for that she thanked the Americans.

"The fuck?"

Standing to one side were the boy's friends, she guessed: a medium-height blond dressed in strange purplish clothes with a sword scabbard strapped behind his waist. The other was short, probably around eleven or twelve, with silver hair, and even stranger bluish clothes; they looked more like pajamas than clothes. The young one was shaking his head while the blond tried desperately to get the pirate down from the railing he had since climbed up on.

Her bravado shattered, Asuka coughed awkwardly. All three boys looked her way. Desperately, she grasped for her confidence. "Um…Wh-Which one of you in the First Child?" She placed her fists on her hips and took a confident stance that she hoped would intimidate the three boys. It worked on the blond, at least. The silver-haired youth wore this expression that said "Look lady, I deal with this these idiots every day. You'll have to do better than that." He shook his head, no. That only left the wimpy blond and the pirate.

_Gott in Heimel_ she hoped in was the wimpy blond.

No such luck. The pirate kid hopped down from the railing, spun the wooden swords around and replaced them into the scabbards he wore on each hip. With a ridiculously goofy grin, he said, "That'd be me. Give me your name and shall give you mine."

"I'm the great Asuka Langly Soryu, pilot of Evangelion Unit 02."

"Sweet. Lloyd Irving. Pilot of Unit 01."

_Fuck_, she swore again.

Silence. "Hey, don't be rude, guys," he called to the others.

"E-Emil," the blonde squeaked out. "Emil C-Castagnier."

"Genis Sage," the boy said, looking way with disinterest.

Asuka's eyes widened. "Genis _Sage_. As in 'related to Raine Sage'?"

Genis cleaned his pointed ear with his pinky. "Yeah, something like that."

Excitement overcame her and she became a little girl excited for Christmas, or waiting to see Britney Spears live. Girls still like her, right? No? Fine. Miley Cyrus. Yeah, like a 13 year-old girl waiting to see her. No, wait, she smokes salvia now, right? Hm. Justin Beiber then. Raine Sage was the world's leading expert on artificial intelligence and daughter of the creator of the Evangelions. To meet her would be a dream come true. "Can you take me to see her?"

Genis gave Asuka a single, judgmental glance before walking away. "No."

Crushed, Asuka devolved into her default emotion: anger. "Fine, _dummkopf_! I didn't even want to meet your stupid mother – er, sister – whatever! Gah! _Baka shonen_."

Behind her, Emil offered, "Don't mind him. He gets like that whenever people bring up his sister."

Then she uttered a phrase that would undoubtedly become something of a catchphrase of hers for the foreseeable future. "Shut up, Emil."

"Ok," he said and ducked off to follow Genis as he explored the supercarrier, _Over the Rainbow_.

And then there were two. Very slowly, Asuka turned to face pirate Lloyd. For some reason, her anger only multiplied at the sight of him. Maybe it was his cheerful demeanor. Maybe it was the fact the he was dressed like a goddamned pirate. But maybe it was the fact that he, with no prior experience, training, or common sense, had managed to kill three Angels. Whatever the reason was, Asuka had to fight a very powerful urge to choke him.

"So," he said. "Looks like we'll be working together, huh?"

Biting back her anger, Asuka tried to act civil. "Yes. I suppose we are." She couldn't think of anything else to say.

"So. Do you know how to use a sword?"

What a stupid question. "No, of course not. Do you?" She already knew the answer, but was doing her best to engage him in polite conversation.

He grinned even wider. "Nope."

Not the answer she was expecting. Her eyes fell to the two wooden swords at his belt. "But you have two with you. Weren't you swinging them around earlier?"

"Well, nobody taught me."

"So you just picked up two sticks are started swinging them around?"

"Hey, how'd you guess?"

Asuka sighed. "Luck." Sarcasm dripped from her voice, but she suspected Lloyd didn't even notice. Then she had an idea, one that would appeal to Lloyd and help her work off her anger at the same time. Leaning against the cabin wall was a mop in a bucket of water. "Well then, since we have about the same level of skill," she snapped the mop off the handle, "why don't he have a little sparring match?"

"What really? Awesome!"

Asuka twirled the wooden handle in her hands (seriously, who uses wooden mops anymore?) before finding a stance and grip. She was mostly going off what she had seen in movies and read in books. Lloyd, on the other hand, just stood there, swords in hand, lacking any sort of discipline whatsoever.

"Really."

Lloyd charged and swung. Asuka easily sidestepped and whacked him on the arm. It helped, not a lot, but enough.

"Ow. Hey, you're pretty good."

Asuka grinned ferociously. "You haven't even seen the half of it."

* * *

"Well, well, well, if it isn't my sweet, sumptuous ninja girl, Sheena Fujibayashi!"

For Sheena, the appearance of Zelos Wilder was like something out of her worst nightmares. For Zelos, finding Sheena was like something out of a sex dream. A really, really good sex dream. For everyone else on the bridge of the supercarrier, saying it was extremely awkward did not even begin to describe the situation.

Folding her arms under her breasts, Sheena scowled. "So you're the one they stuck Asuka with, huh? Jeez. Are they that desperate? I'm surprised the young lady is in one piece."

"You make it sound as if I'm some sort of sex fiend. I'm not a child molester, you know. I'm…uh…" He trailed off. It took Sheena a moment before she realized he was staring at her chest.

"Hey. Eyes up here, idiot."

His head snapped up and he continued right on with his thought. "Right. I'm not a child molester, Sheena. Even if I wanted to, Asuka could kick my ass into next week." The last he muttered under his breath.

Sheena, however, was a ninja. "What was that?"

"Nothing. Nothing."

To say that the two of them were out of place among the military men was yet another understatement. One of them was slender with long, silky red hair kept off the forehead by a headband, dressed in a pink tunic with lose white pants. The girl, on the other hand, was dressed in a tight-fitting tunic and pants, with a pink ribbon tied into a bow at the back, with black hair tied back in a poof.

"Just so you know: I wouldn't have picked you to take care of Asuka."

"Well, you're one to talk. What's this I hear about Lloyd living with you?"

Sheena turned beat red. "It – It's not like that!"

"Not like what, my dear? All I said was that he was living with you. I never implied that he might be, I don't know, sleeping with you."

The entire bridge fell silent. Well, more silent. And they all turned to stare at Sheena. Even the captain, keeping one hand on the wheel, looked back. "I'm sorry, what now?"

"Zelos! You! Argh!" She stormed passed him and out onto the deck. Zelos followed with a wink at the rest of the crew. A text box appeared as he closed the door behind him.

**Zelos joined the party!**

The captain drummed his fingers on the wheel. "I can't believe my ship has been overrun by circus clowns. And these clowns are supposed to save the world." He sighed. "I'm putting my money on the Angels. Anybody else with me?"

* * *

"Uh, um, Genis? Where are we going?" Emil had followed the half-elf without really paying attention to where they were going. Now he was sufficiently lost and couldn't have found his way back if he had wanted to.

"What does it look like we're doing?" As if it was obvious.

"Well, it just seems like we're wandering aimlessly through the bowels of the ship, if you want the truth."

"That's exactly correct."

"Um…what?"

"Lloyd and I have gotten through a lot of dungeon levels by just wandering aimlessly for hours until we found the exit. Not the most efficient way to do things, but the easiest. It's what I get for letting Lloyd lead."

Still Emil was lost. "Wait, um, dungeons, what?"

"The Eva, Emil! We're going to find where they keep Eva 02!"

"Really? Why?"

"Because. I've only seen 00 and 01. They're only the prototype and test type. I haven't ever seen a production model yet. Supposedly, Unit 02 is the first designed specifically for combat and I want to know exactly what that means."

"Oh, ok then." A few minutes later, Emil asked again, "So um, where are we going?"

"They'd keep the Eva some place big and open. Remember, the robot thing is as big as a skyscraper in Tokyo-3."

"That's weird. I've seen Unit 01 look bigger than the buildings sometimes."

Genis waved his hand dismissively. "You're just looking at it from the wrong angle."

Skeptically, Emil said, "I don't think that's how perspective works."

"Unit 02 would be kept in something big and open, Emil. Look for that." They continued down corridors at random. Not once did they reach a dead end. Emil became increasingly worried that they would never find their way out.

"Do you mean like that big tarp on deck?"

Genis halted so quickly that Emil fell over him. "What did you say?"

"Ow. Um. On the deck of the ship there was a big tarp draped over something. Now that I think about it, it's about the right size for an Evangelion?" Emil look up and slight to the right, lost in remembrance. "Yeah, you know what? I'm pretty sure that's where the Eva is. I think I even saw a foot of something."

Despite his small size, Genis reached up and grabbed Emil by the collars, pulling him to his eye level. "Why didn't you tell me this before? You could have saved us hours of walking!"

"Um, have we really been walking for hours?"

Genis tapped him on the side of the head. "Irrelevant. Answer the question."

"Um, because I didn't know you were looking for it? Because I was fairly certain it was just sitting in the middle of everything? Um…that's it." Genis had a look in his eyes that reminded Emil of Raine. Being a person who valued his life, Emil held his tongue.

"Grr. Fine. Come on; let's go back up to see it!"

"Which way is, um, the deck?"

"Easy. We just go back the way we came."

"Which way is that?"

Genis looked around. They were standing right in the middle of a four-way intersection.

"Sonuvabitch."

By some twist of fate or luck or something, Lloyd chose that moment to come barreling down the corridor. It started as a low rattling, then a distant cry for help. By the time Genis and Emil recognized it has Lloyd's voice, he was already halfway down the hall.

Emil spoke first. "Huh? What's Lloyd doing here? How did he find us?"

"Genis! Emil! Help me, she's crazy!"

"Who's crazy?"

Then they noticed that Lloyd didn't have either of his swords; his scabbards hung uselessly at his belt. He bolted past them without further explanation. They watched him go for a moment before hearing a second voice.

"Come back here, Lloyd Irving, so I can kick your ass!"

"How did she get his swords?"

Genis shrugged. "Knowing Lloyd, it probably wasn't very difficult."

"Hey! You two! Start running!"

"What did we do?"

"You're friends with the boob!"

Genis stood his ground and folded his arms. "I wouldn't consider myself his friend, merely a - "

But Emil had grabbed him by the collar and yanked him away. "Didn't you hear her? She's going to kill us!"

They rapidly caught up to Lloyd, who had slowed to catch his breath. Upon seeing them, he started sprinting again. "Lloyd, you idiot!" Genis shouted. "What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything!"

"Well, she's pissed at you for something!"

"I think she's just always like that!"

"Stop talking about it," Emil scolded, "and keep running!"

* * *

"Will you stop following me! Jeez, you're worse than Kuchinawa." Sheena's anger had quickly subsided, blown away by the gentle breeze and rocking of the ship. It was a good thing Raine had decided not to come; she wouldn't have left the railing.

"What's that? Does my voluptuous beauty have a stalker that isn't me?" Zelos hadn't fallen more than a few steps behind as Sheena tried in vain to shake her pursuer. Eventually, she simply gave up and strolled along. He couldn't chase if she didn't run, right? Right?

"Nah, he's just some guy. How long are you staying?"

"Really, I'm just here to drop Asuka off. I've got some business elsewhere."

"Business? That's awfully shady. Aren't I supposed to be the sneaky ninja here?"

"What you?" he scoffed. "More like clumsy ninja."

"Hey!" She shoved him lightly. "I've grown out of that – woah!" She chose that moment to slip and fall on her ass. Zelos didn't move to help her up. He simply looked on away.

"You okay?"

"Nothing happened!" Sheena quickly got to her feet and pretended nothing happened.

"Riiiight." He took advantage of the situation to admire her figure again. He didn't do it discreetly, mind you. He simply stood there and stared. Hard.

"Hey, eyes up here."

"Yes they are," he replied without looking up.

Agitated, Sheen walked away, giving him an excellent view of her rear. "Whatever. Hey, where did the kids go?"

"Kids? What kids?"

With practiced swiftness, Sheena whirled and landed a solid smack on his cheek. He barely flinched, having endured his fair share and then some. "The kids, stupid. Lloyd, Genis, Emil, and Asuka."

"Oh, um." He glanced around, seeing nothing but a few crew members, a large, Evangelion-sized load covered by a white tarp, and a couple VTOLs. "I guess they're off…play...ing…some…where…?"

Together they sighed. "We'd make terrible parents, wouldn't we?" Sheena asked.

"Is that an invitation?"

"What? No!"

Shouts could suddenly be heard from the far end of the deck. The crewmen scrambled out of the way of the children. "Found them," Zelos deadpanned.

"Is that Asuka chasing them?" Sheena squinted and used a hand to block the sunlight.

"Looks like it. Are those Lloyd's swords? How did she get them?"

"Knowing Lloyd, it probably wasn't too hard," she shrugged. Two times that question went without an answer. And so it shall forever.

Sheena and Zelos were resting at the far end of the deck, leaning against the railing. Lloyd, Emil, and Genis ran right for them, but by the time that they had crossed half the deck, they were barely shuffling along. Asuka raised one wooden sword and waved it uselessly. "Come…come back here you three…so – so I can…kick…your…asses."

When Lloyd finally reached Sheena, he collapsed at her feet, breathing heavily. Genis and Emil managed to drag themselves along and sit down properly. Asuka, meanwhile, staggered forward, swinging the swords, cursing in English, German, Russian, French, and Japanese.

Sheena leaned over Lloyd with a smile. "So I take it you kids had a fun time?"

No one answered her. For a moment, Sheena reveled in the silence. Then it was broken in the most obvious manner imaginable. Zelos turned to look out over the ocean. Something had caught his eye. "What's that out there?"

Without even turning, Sheena knew exactly what it was. She didn't want to turn around for fear that it was indeed what she thought it was. Maybe, if she wished really, super, extra hard, it would go away, and they could all get back to the city without incident.

Unfortunately for her, narratives don't work that way. The Angel was out there, swimming, stalking, waiting. Just like every guy she'd ever dated. Resignedly, she kicked Lloyd. "Get up you, we've got an Angel on our hands."

It was like someone had flipped a switch. Both Lloyd and Asuka jumped to their feet.

"Yes!" Lloyd pumped a fist into the air. "This is going to be fun!"

"What are you talking about, idiot? You don't have an Eva; I do. I'll be the one to kill this Angel."

"Not if I get there first!" Lloyd took off running.

"Wait, what?" Asuka spun and hurled the wooden swords at Lloyd. One clonked him right in the head and the other careened into the backs of his knees, causing his legs to buckle. "There's no way in hell you're touching my Eva!"

She rushed off to find her Plug Suit. Lloyd scrambled after her. "But I wanna see!"

Sheena and Zelos watched the scene impassively.

"Was he dressed as a pirate when you guys got here?" Zelos asked.

"No. In fact, he wasn't dressed as a pirate the last time I saw him."

"When was that?"

"Right before I went up to the bridge."

"Huh. Wasn't that, like, literally, a minute before he met Asuka?"

"Yeah…"

* * *

Lloyd tugged at the tight-fitting Plug Suit. It was designed with a female in mind, so it had a small waist and space for breasts. Because it was fire-engine red, Lloyd couldn't bring himself to hate it. But the weird thing was, he filled it out rather well, which drew a raised eyebrow from Asuka when she finally saw him.

"I don't see why I have to wear this stupid thing."

"You wanted a front-row seat, didn't you? Then shut up and follow me."

"Where are we going, anyway?"

"Ugh. To Eva 02, _dummkopf_!"

Lloyd frowned at her strange word. "Why do I get the feeling that you're insulting me in a language I don't understand?"

"Hm. You're more perceptive than I thought, I think."

Lloyd shifted in the suit again. "Is it weird that this thing fits almost as good as my own?"

"Yes," she replied without missing a beat. "Now hurry up, or we're all going to die." They had changed in a stairwell, gotten lost, and were now just finding the door to the deck again.

"Do we have to go outside?"

"Yes." She seized him by the shoulder and shoved him out into the sunlight. "Don't worry; we'll sneak over to the Eva and no one will notice you in the Plug Suit."

"Really?"

"No. Hey everyone! Look at Lloyd!" She took off running leaving Lloyd at the center of everyone's looks (and I mean everyone; even the captain took his hands off the wheel to see what the she-devil was yelling about).

"Wait who is that?" "Hey, it's that stupid pirate kid!" "Is he wearing a girl's suit?" "Oh, god, I think he is." "He actually looks good in it." "Dude…" "What?" "Come on, really?" "Shut up! Don't judge me."

* * *

Sheena sighed for, what, the fifth or sixth time that day? "The sad thing is Zelos, he really does look good in Asuka's suit."

"Wait, that's Lloyd? Oh my god." A horrified expression crossed his face.

Sheena looked sideways at him. "What's with you?"

"Nothing…I just need a moment to sort out my emotions."

"Oooookay." She took another step away.

* * *

Lloyd managed to catch up to Asuka as she was climbing into the entry plug. "That wasn't nice, you know."

Through her laughter, she said, "No. It was funny, though." Together they climbed into the plug, which was partially filled with LCL.

"Hey, Asuka, how is it that you were able to eject the – "

"Don't ask questions, idiot!" She seated herself at the controls. "Hang on and mind your hands." She ran through the startup procedure, which culminated in charging the LCL, turning it clear and allowing them to see though the Eva's eyes.

"Let's go!"

* * *

Genis watched another aircraft carrier be pulled under water. "That's three. You know, I kind of expected the United Nation Pacific Fleet to, you know, actually put up a fight against an Angel. Not beat it, of course, but, not get their ass handed to them."

Zelos shrugged. "Yeah, you'd think, but what'ya gonna do."

"Um, isn't anyone actually worried?" Emil looked around at the others.

"Worried about what?" Sheena asked. She had procured a lounge chair and was laying down in it, a pair of big sunglasses over her eyes, and an old Japanese fan blowing a breeze on her face. "Does anyone have any sunscreen? Not you, Zelos." He put down his hand. She accepted a bottle from a sailor and began dabbing it over her face.

"The Angel!"

"Nah. Lloyd and Asuka are on the job; I'm sure it will be fine."

Genis turned slightly and fixed a skeptical glance on the ninja. "Did you hear what you just said?"

"Nope, and I'd appreciate it if you didn't repeat it back to me."

* * *

Evangelion Unit 02 activated and jumped high into the air, taking the white tarp with it. It landed on top of the neighboring carrier, holding the tarp around it like a cape. Sensing the Eva's activation, the Angel leaped from the sea, a great manta-shape, and descended on the ship, taking it under. Asuka leaped away just in time and landed on another ship, nearly taking it down.

"Ooh!" Lloyd exclaimed. "Let me try!" He reached for the controls and managed to take hold of one. He and Asuka struggled for a moment, nearly causing Unit 02 to fall into the sea.

"Hands off my Eva!" That delay was just long enough for the Angel to find them again and drag an eighth carrier under.

Landing this time on a carrier that had a power source for the Eva, Asuka took a moment to analyze the situation. The radio buzzed to life and Sheena's voice filled the cockpit. "Lloyd, Asuka, can you hear me?"

"Yes, ma'am," Asuka answered dutifully.

"Hi, Sheena!" Lloyd shouted.

"…Hello, Lloyd. Look, according to Dr. Sage, your current equipment doesn't really work under water, so you'll have to – " her next few words were muffled. "Ah, sorry about that; I yawned."

"What?" Asuka growled. "Can't anyone take this seriously?"

"I know, right," she heard Emil say in the background.

"What I was going to say, Asuka, was that you two will have to figure some way of fighting the Angel from above the water. You've already neutralized its A.T. Field, so you actually can hurt it with conventional weapons."

"That's true. Are there any on the ships?"

"One minute…yeah. Couple carriers to your left has a few rifles and an extra prog sword."

Silence. "Um, can you repeat that last one, please?"

"What? Prog sword?"

"Yeah. What's that?"

Lloyd answered her quickly. "It's like a prog knife, but a sword."

"…It's a long story," was the only explanation Sheena offered. "Good luck you two." And she cut the line.

"You heard her," Lloyd slapped the seat impatiently. "Go go go!"

Before she could answer, the Angel rose up and slammed down on the ship. Asuka leaped Unit 02 away.

* * *

Zelos and Genis had both found lounge chairs and stretched out on either side of Sheena. Genis was actually asleep. Zelos was nose-deep in a dirty magazine. Only Emil stayed awake and attentive.

"Don't you guys even care that they might be killed? Zelos, aren't you Asuka's guardian? Genis, I thought you wanted to see Unit 02 in action? And Sheena, aren't you, like, in charge of this whole thing here?"

Her answer was so offhanded, so perfect, so short, that Emil was actually compelled to listen to her. She said in, in five words, the greatest sentence he had ever heard: "Dude, you need to chill."

Landing on the deck of the new carrier, Asuka exchanged power cables and dug into the steel crate that held two Eva-sized rifles, and a progressive sword. Without thinking, she took hold of both rifles and scanned the sea for the Angel.

"Where are you, you damn fish?"

She was so focused on the ocean that she failed to notice Lloyd crawling his way forward. Okay, that's a lie. She noticed; she just didn't care. "I think it's staying just out of range, Asuka. Look."

Sure enough, a lone fin surfaced just beyond the effective range of her rifles. Still, she fired off a few rounds out of frustration.

"_Hurensohn_," she swore. "Show yourself, you _verdammt_ coward! Come up here so I can kill you, you _ublyudok_, _chert voz'mi_." She was switching languages at an alarming rate, that's how pissed she was. And she was pissed for a number of reasons; chief among them was being cooped up with this moron, Lloyd. Admittedly, it was her fault, but she chose not to dwell on that fact. All she wanted to do was kill the Angel so that she could prove to him that she is, was, and forever will be the greatest Evangelion pilot ever. Was that so much to ask?

Then she noticed Lloyd digging in his suit. "What the hell are you doing?" she demanded. The first explanation that popped into her head was easily the grossest. "Ew! Don't do that in here! Not while we're submerged in liquid!"

"Hm?" Lloyd produced a weird magnifying glass from inside his suit. "What are you talking about? My stuff is hard to reach in this thing; I had to stick my hand down the neck and everything. What did you think I was doing?"

"Nothing! Nothing." She willed her blush to go away; she'd spent too many years with Zelos, it seemed. "What is that thing, anyway?"

"A Magic Lens!"

A beat.

"And?"

"Oh. It lets you see the health points and weakness of the enemy."

Asuka didn't have a high tolerance for stupidity. One of the drawbacks of being a child prodigy was that nearly everyone around you was degrees less intelligent that you. As a matter of necessity, she had learned to tolerate such people. However, genuine idiocy, ignorance, or otherwise lack of intelligence was a trait which infuriated her. And Lloyd was rapidly falling into that category. It wasn't the pirate outfit, or the lack of swordsmanship, or the disturbingly well manner in which he wore her suit, no, it was this, this one act, that sent her over the edge.

"You're fucking kidding me, right? You can't seriously be that stupid! This isn't some game where you can mash buttons and wander around in random directions until something happens! We're fighting Angels; this is serious business! I'm about three seconds away from throwing you out this Entry Plug with my bare hands. Do. Not. Speak. Again. Ever."

"But it works…"

"Ever!"

Fine. If she wouldn't listen, Lloyd would show her. He aimed it at the Angel and aligned it with her left eye. At first she made to shove him away, but something caught her eye.

**Gaghiel**

**3200/3200 HP**

**78/78 TP**

**Weakness: Attacks to the core**

**Resistance: Everything else**

"_Was zum Teufel?_ It actually worked?"

"Of course." He said it like it was completely ordinary. Asuka was so awestruck that she had no retort. Instead she decided to test it. She lined up her rifles at Gaghiel broke the surface and squeezed both triggers. Most of the shots went into the ocean, but a few managed to connect. The Second Child watched as the HP counter ticked down to 2738/3200.

"So, if I just keep shooting at it and deplete its HP, it'll die?"

"No. It'll stop at 1 HP. You have to attack the Core in order to kill it."

"So where's this one's core?"

They shared a glance that said "Oh crap" and "Of course" at the same time.

"The mouth."

The prospect of being eaten wasn't particularly appealing to either pilot and each was working frantically to figure out a way to attack the core without being killed. Asuka, despite being a genius, was unaccustomed to real-world situations, having only textbook theoretical knowledge of Angels. She's wasn't quite up to concocting plans on the spot. Lloyd, however, was.

"Asuka? I have a plan."

Reluctantly, she said, "Alright, let's hear it."

* * *

Just as she was beginning to doze off, Sheena got a call from Asuka. Emil had found a fourth lounge chair and had quickly fallen asleep along with Zelos, the magazine draped over his eyes. "Hm? What is it?" she asked though a mighty yawn.

"Are…are you all asleep?"

"…No."

"Whatever. Can you patch us through to the captain of our ship?"

"Well, sure, but what for?" There was an unusual silence on the other end. "Asuka?"

"Lloyd has a plan."

That was all the encouragement she needed and quickly patched them through. Then she woke everyone up by flipping over their chairs. "Get up, jerkwads. You're not gonna want to miss this one."

* * *

Convincing the captain of their plan hadn't taken a lot of effort. It was either do what Asuka said, or be eaten by the Angel. The decision wasn't hard. They waited for her signal.

Next she emptied the rifles of their ammo at Gaghiel, not really trying to hit him. The point was to run out of ammo and make him charge. It worked, beautifully. Asuka picked up the progressive sword and brought it to life, feeling the whirring all the way in the plug.

"You sure about this, Lloyd?"

"Sure I'm sure. Do you have a better idea?"

"I have many better ideas than you, Lloyd, but none that will work."

"Alright then!" It wasn't really a compliment, but he wouldn't have understood if she tried to explain it to him, so she let him have it.

"Here he comes." Gaghiel was rapidly approaching the ship, the tops of the fins sticking out of the water. Confidently, Unit 02 strode to the bow of the carrier, nearly causing it to topple forward. Luckily, the carrier's bridge was at the bow, so that balanced out, sort of. "Full speed ahead, captain." The command was accompanied by a flourish of the prog sword.

* * *

Sheena, Zelos, Emil, and Genis watched from the deck of the _Over the Rainbow_. The sight of Unit 02 riding a charging aircraft carrier, sword brandished, on a collision course with the Angel was very John Paul Jones.

"Yep," Genis decided, " this was definitely Lloyd's plan."

* * *

Lloyd was whooping and hollering inside the cockpit, much to Asuka's annoyance. "Yeah! This is so cool! I always wanted to do this!"

"You have?"

"Well, ever since I – "

"Never mind, I don't really care." She turned her attention back to Gaghiel. "It's getting ready to jump on us. See? It just dove. All hands, brace for impact!"

Sure enough, Gaghiel burst from the ocean and dove at them, mouth side open. Dangling from the uvula was the shiny red core. "Hello, beastie," Asuka taunted, thrusting the point of the prog sword forward.

Next was one of those rare moments when both attackers shared an "Oh crap" moment. Gaghiel for realizing that he was about to die, and Asuka for realizing that she was about to get eaten.

_Oh well,_ Gaghiel thought. _At least I'm not Sachiel. He only had like barely 1000 HP. We told him not to go first, but does he listen? Noooo._ Evidently, Sachiel is rather impatient.

The sword impacted the core and whirred even louder. The force caused Unit 02 to slide backward on the carrier and Gaghiel landed on deck, flopping about like, well, a fish out of water.

With a shout, Asuka pushed the controls harder, shoving the sword deeper into Gaghiel's core.

Lloyd watched Gaghiel's HP count dwindle.

* * *

"Is that Angel deepthroating Unit 02's sword?"

Everyone turned to look at Sheena, who turned beet red.

"Just…just saying."

* * *

Asuka's strength began to wane. Her sync ratio was about 84%, but chasing Lloyd and the others around had used up her stamina. Her second wind was failing. Then she felt a hand over both of hers.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" she demanded.

"Helping," Lloyd answered.

Too exhausted to argue, she put the rest of strength into one last thrust. With Lloyd adding his own, they were able to break completely through the core. Honestly, there are so many more inappropriate comments I could make about this section. Like, a lot. I actually had a full paragraph of them before I realized what had happened. So I cut back on them. Anyway, they kept thrusting the sword deeper (told you). An audible crack could be heard all the way over where Sheena and the others were.

Know what, fuck it. "I don't need your help, Lloyd!"

"Yes you do, you aren't pushing hard enough."

"Shut up!" Reluctantly, she let him take her hands in his and lend his strength. As the sword went deeper, Gaghiel struggled harder. It could feel it's core breaking inside it. Pain wracked it's body as it's very soul was pierced. With a final shout, Asuka and Lloyd thrust the blade deep into the core; it cracked and bled.

His last thought before he died was, _Wait, was I just one big sexual innuendo? Wasn't that Shamshel's job?_ Gaghiel fell lifeless. It was dead.

Many comparisons to legendary figures were made that day; among them Jonah and the Whale, Captain Ahab and Moby-Dick, and even John Paul Jones simply being a badass. But none was remembered more than Sheena's claim that Gaghiel deepthroated Unit 02's sword.


	2. Adjustment and Acclimation And Pirates

**Tales of Evangelion**

**Chapter 2: **

**Adjustment and Acclimation. And Pirates.  
**

* * *

"I wouldn't disturb him if I were you," Genis Sage offered the advice offhandedly as he bit into his sandwich. Sitting beside him on the bench was Emil Castagnier, who munched slowly on an apple. Neither one wore their school uniforms. Genis remain garbed in his silver-blue elf pajamas and Emil in his purple…stuff. To Asuka, the latter looked like an exercise in gay pride. But she wasn't focused on the blonde right now. No, as had become the norm, the object of her disbelief was, currently, Lloyd Irving.

He had fallen asleep. In the middle of eating a sandwich. While standing up.

Like the other two, he was not dressed in the school uniform. No, he picked red as his color. A red train conductor outfit, it appeared. It was red, _red._ Asuka liked red. She didn't like Lloyd.

"Why shouldn't I bother him, pointy-ears?" A half-chewed bit of food dangled precarious out of the corner of his mouth. Asuka had half a mind to see if he would choke on it. At the very least it might shut him up; he was snoring like beast.

At her feet lay the remnants of her lunch, a distinctly Japanese style lunch of riceballs and sushi. She kicked it out of her way as she stepped closer to the sleeping bozo, fists firmly planted on her hips.

"The last guy who messed with Lloyd while he was sleeping ended up in a full body cast," Genis explained, spraying chunks of food everywhere.

"It was…horrible," Emil shuddered.

"This idiot?" Asuka scoffed. "He can barely hold a stick the right way. Do you expect me to believe he beat somebody up?"

"Not beat up," Genis corrected, raising one finger. "Mangled. Destroyed. Tore apart. Take your pick."

"Even less likely."

The twelve-year old half-elf shrugged. "Well, whatever. You do whatever you want, but hey, we warned you."

Obviously, Asuka didn't believe him. She had a very difficult time believing that Lloyd could injure anybody, much less destroy three Angels virtually unassisted. And yet the records were there. Hm. Well, for the sake of safety, Asuka reached up and snapped a branch off the tree. A good sized branch. Three of four feet long. One a nineteenth century teacher would use to whip a disobedient student. Very carefully she poked at the sandwich bit until it tipped into his mouth. She waited.

Genis and Emil leaned forward, quite literally on the edge of their seats.

The snoring stopped abruptly, as though something got caught in his throat. They waited. After fifteen seconds or so, Lloyd's jaw began moving up and down slowly. Then he swallowed and raised the sandwich to his mouth.

"Is…is he sleep eating?"

"You've been living with him for two weeks now. Is this really the strangest thing you've seen him do?"

"I made it a point to stay as far away from the fool, Emil, so I don't what strange things he does in his own time." Asuka continued to watch Lloyd with the sort of fascination you get from watching a gorilla at the zoo. A gorilla that is inspecting its own feces. You wonder why it is doing that, but at same time don't really want to know.

The bell rang for the end of lunch. Genis and Emil stood and started walking back to class. Without Lloyd. Surprised, Asuka called after them, "Are you just going to leave him?"

They shared a look and a shrug. "If we keep waking him up, he won't learn anything," Genis explained and kept on walking.

Asuka followed suit.

* * *

**Four days earlier…

* * *

**

"What do you mean I have to live with this idiot!"

Asuka's scream could be heard for several blocks. A flock of pigeons feeding in the park took flight in fear while the pedestrians on their way to work ducked their heads down and pretended they were a flock of pigeons. Several flapped their arms and tried to fly away. It was a very odd sight.

Er…what was I talking about? Oh right. Asuka.

She faced a cross-armed Sheena, the former seething with bitchy rage; the latter keeping her eyes firmly shut, for two reasons: 1. To keep Asuka from seeing the fear in her eyes and 2. Her eyes were bloodshot. We're not going to go into why.

"That's right, Asuka. You and Lloyd are going to be roommates. So you're both going to have to learn to get along with one another."

"But why can't I stay with Zelos?" she whined.

Steadfastly keeping her eyes shut, Sheena replied, "Do you _really_ want to go back to living with Zelos?"

The Second Child thought about that for a moment. Her mind was something of a floodgate, or a dam, by this point her life; it held back a lot of suppressed and painful memories. Some of them involved her mother, but those were buried deep, DEEP, into her psyche, and likely wouldn't surface until she was thirty. The more recent ones involved Zelos. For just an instant, the dam cracked and a few memories trickled out. All of them involved walking down to breakfast to find a strange woman wearing nothing but a pink button up shirt that belong to Zelos. Seven different women in one week.

Asuka shuddered.

"On second thought…"

"I thought as much. Trust me, Asuka, I know how he is."

Asuka's anger tapered off rather quickly. "As long as I'm not sharing a room with him."

"Oh, hell no! I don't want you two sleeping together. That's my job."

"What was that?"

"Nothing." She turned away quickly, hiding her blush. "Why don't you get Lloyd to help you move your things? I've got to sleep this off."

"Sleep what off?" Secretly, Asuka knew she didn't really want to know.

"Medicine that makes grown-ups relax."

"Is it legal?"

No response. Sheena made her exit at that time, carefully putting one foot in front of the other. It was a good thing she had the layout of the apartment memorized because if her eyes were open, she would be on the floor puking her guts out. Just how often did she get like that if she can navigate her apartment blind? I don't think even I want to know.

Asuka watched her new guardian (whom she doubted would be any better than Zelos – although, as long as she didn't bring home strange women every day, it was an improvement…why did the thought of Sheena and other women excite her?) stumble off to bed –a t 11:00 a.m. – and sighed. Lloyd wasn't even home. How wacked out _was_ Sheena?

Resigned, she picked up the first box of stuff – no, seriously, the label said "Stuff" – and carried it down to her room. It was directly across from Lloyd's room, separated by a sliding door. Slightly peeved, she dropped the box and closed the door angrily.

"What the hell? The door doesn't even lock!" She opened and closed it a few times to emphasize her point. "There's no way Sheena could stop me if I wanted to fool around with the idiot." Pause. Turn to the audience. "No. Not ever." She returned to opening and closing the door. "I mean, what? Do the Japanese not believe in privacy or something?"

On the twelfth time she opened the door, she found herself face-to-face with a man garbed in red cloth. His face was obscured and a katana was strapped to his back. Every fiber of her being screamed . Her reaction? To remain perfectly still. She would be become invisible. Ninjas are like dinosaurs right? If you don't move they can't see you?

Well…not only is that completely wrong, but it's backwards. If a ninja doesn't move, you can't see _it_. Actually, even if it does move, you still can't see it. If you ever see a ninja, you're already dead.

But Asuka wasn't dead, nor was there a katana protruding from her chest, nor kunai from her skull.

"You aren't Sheena," the ninja said, slightly confused.

"Uh-uh," Asuka shook her head slowly.

"Where is she, then?"

"Sleeping…?" Hopefully not dead from an overdose.

"I see. I cannot avenge my village on a sleeping woman." He crouched down and rubbed his chin. "Such an act would bring dishonor to myself, my family, my cow – Will you permit me to wait here until she awakens?"

A goddamned ninja just asked if he could stay in the house.

Not wanting to die in the next few seconds, Asuka nodded fearfully.

"Many thanks," the ninja bowed his head respectfully.

It took Asuka a long time to recover her sense from that encounter. She simply stared off into space for a good forty-five minutes before shakily getting to her feet and walking to the kitchen. There sat the ninja, reclining in the chair, a half-empty can of beer in his hand. He raised the can in salute.

"Ah, I was beginning to wonder where you had gone."

"Um…who exactly are you?"

He sipped though his cloth. "My apologies, I have not introduced myself. I am Kuchinawa, a ninja who hails from the same clan as Sheena."

Thought process: _Shit, a ninja. A polite ninja. What? I'm not dead. Sheena's a ninja? Wait, I knew that. Beer? I could really use one right now._

"Um, ok, but why are you in her home?"

He was on his feet faster than humanly (but not ninja-ly) possibly, the chair falling back behind him, and table embedding itself in the fridge. Somehow the can landed on the counter without incident. "My name is Kuchinawa! She had killed my village! She must prepare to die!"

"Um, you know, the _Princess Bride_ reference really didn't work out that time," she pointed out.

Kuchinawa sighed. "Yeah, I know, but it was sticking in my head; I had to say it." Sipping the beer, he pondered. "I like that movie."

He flipped the chair back and dislodged the kitchen table from the fridge, henceforth referred to as the "beer dispenser" because that's really all it is. With the kitchen roughly in order, aside from the dent in the beer dispenser (about two inches deep across the whole thing) Kuchinawa and resumed his seat.

"So…you're here to kill Sheena?"

"That is correct. For the honor of my village."

Asuka blinked. "Whatever. Just don't get her blood on my things, ok?"

"Ninjas are masters of stealth, killing, and hopscotch; we do not make messes."

Ignoring the fact that those two sentences did not deserve to be linked by a semicolon, Asuka returned to moving her things into her new room. She had moved all of the boxes and was busy arranging her things when the shouting began.

"Halt! My name is Kuchinawa! You killed my – "

"Dammit, Kuchinawa, I know who you are, now get the fuck out of my apartment!"

"Not until I have sl- hey! Whoa!" Several minutes of smashing, crashing, grunts, screams too high-pitched to be Sheena, and the whirring of an electric toothbrush later, a window smashed outward, accompanied by the steadily diminishing sound of Kuchinawa's scream.

"And don't come back!" Sheena slammed the window shut, which shattered the remaining panes. Then she collapsed. In Lloyd's room.

Once Asuka had finished arranging her room, she decided to go check on her new guardian. Sheena had found Lloyd's pillow and had it pressed tightly against her chest. It was then that Asuka noticed Sheena's shirt laying several feet away.

"Mmmm…Lloyd," she muttered in her sleep.

Asuka shut the door quickly and wished she could bleach that out of her mind. But she couldn't. It was there. Behind her eyelids. Burned into her mind.

* * *

**YOU CANNOT UNREAD THAT.

* * *

**

As she took her seat in class, Asuka shuddered. _What the fuck was the point of that flashback?_

The sound of snoring caused to her to nearly fall out of her chair. There was Lloyd. In his seat. Asleep.

Genis sat in front of Asuka. He leaned back and said, casually, "Oh yeah: he sleepwalks."

"That's great and all, but how did he get to his seat? I _can see the door from here_!"

Genis shrugged.

That seemed to be the answer people liked to give when Lloyd did things that didn't quite add up. Asuka sighed, what with the pointless flashback, and Lloyd being…Lloyd, it was shaping up to be a stressful day.

And then Raine Sage walked into the room. Asuka freezes up, sitting rigid in her seat. She avoids looking to the half-elf's eyes, desperately trying to erase the memory of their first meeting.

"Good morning, class," she said. "Your previous teacher isn't here anymore; I am."

One student asked, "What happened to him?" and was answered with a piece of chalk to the head, hurled around twenty miles an hour. He was out before he hit the ground, which he did. Hard.

"Are there any more stupid questions?" She bounced another piece of chalk in her palm, surveying the class. Not a soul dared to speak.

Hold up. Isn't this the future? Every student has a laptop with them. And a cell phone. Why the hell does the teacher still use chalk? I mean...is the school's budget that low that they can't afford a freaking projector? Seriously. I live in 2011, roughly four years before this story, and we have SmartBoards and shit. Come on Japan, I thought you were better than this.

* * *

**And that's when the giant fighting robot crashes through my dorm room and kills me.

* * *

**

Lloyd snored. Loudly. Quick as a whip, Raine hurled the chalk at Lloyd. Asuka could swear she heard bone crack. He was lifted out of his seat and thrown onto the student behind him, unconscious, as the chalk rebounded back into the teacher's hand.

Calmly, she began writing her name on the board.

It must have been her imagination, but Asuka was sure that the first few letter of "Professor Raine" were tinted with red.

She resisted looking back.

* * *

**Three days ago…

* * *

**

Asuka groaned.

* * *

…

**Three days ago

* * *

**

Asuka shifts in her seat as the elevator takes them deep into the Geofront. Lloyd is laid out across the back seat without a seatbelt. Up until the point when Sheena touched the keys, she might have assumed he was sleeping. Now she wasn't entirely sure he was breathing. Beside her, Sheena adjusts her kimono and bra, having utilized her god-given resources to avoid several traffic tickets.

"I still don't know how you convinced that officer to let you go," she remarks.

"Hey, I work for NERV. We get _some_ special treatment." She flipped down the visor mirror and examined her face.

"You almost got arrested for manslaughter!"

"Yeah, but he got back up, didn't he?"

"With the help of the paramedics."

"Still counts. How bloodshot are my eyes?" She turned to the girl on her right. Er, left. Do Japanese cars have the driver on the left or right? I've seen both.

"Not very."

"Awesome. I'll just say I haven't slept in a while."

Asuka was in no mood to disagree with her.

Lloyd came back to life with a mighty intake of breath.

Another day, another ulcer.

* * *

"Asuka, allow me to introduce you to the Supreme Commander of NERV. Commander, this is Asuka Langley Soryu, the Second Child." Asuka clicked her heels and snapped to attention with a smart salute; the Germans were always good at discipline.

Kratos Aurion spun his chair around and interlaced his fingers.

"It's very nice to meet you, Asuka. I heard you and my son took down the Sixth Angel out on the Pacific Ocean."

"Your son?"

"Yes," Kratos said slowly. "Lloyd is my son."

"Huh."

"What?"

"Well, the name on your desk says "Aurion". Isn't Lloyd's last name, "Irving"?"

Sheena stiffened. No one mouthed off to the Supreme Commander. The adrenaline pumping through her system now cleared out most of the impurities she had accumulated over the past week. Well, removed them from her blood stream. She suddenly had to piss like a racehorse.

Asuka did all she could to keep from cowering. The look he gave her was enough to cut diamond. "Read what's written on the name plate, please, Asuka."

Shaking, she squinted at the name. "It says, "Supreme Commander of NERV, Master of Tokyo-3, Lord of Welgaia, Protector of the Derris-Kharlan, Great Hunk of Man, Prince of Personality, The Diamond Swordsman, Great Almighty Dancer, Chiseled Stone of Perfection, and Golden Leader: You know, you love, you can't resist him: The Love Machine with 20,000 RPM…Kratooooooooooooos! Aurioooooooooooooooooooon!"

Sheena leaned forward. "Is that really on the name plate?" Asuka nodded.

Kratos smiled. "Thank you. Dismissed."

He likes it when others recite his titles.

* * *

The next person Sheena introduced Asuka to was Doctor Raine Sage. After meeting Lloyd and his father, Asuka was hoping for someone that was, well, normal. For a while, she thought Raine was this.

"Well, look at you!"

"Have I met you before, Dr. Sage?"

"A long time ago. I knew your mother back during GEHIRN's early days. Last time I saw you, you were just a baby. Now you've grown into a fine young woman. A very…beautiful young lady." Raine's voice seemed to slow down and smooth out with that last sentence. "And you've…filled out quite well."

And then it got weird. Asuka was uncomfortable.

"Laying it on a little thick there, aren't you, Raine?"

Raine didn't seem to hear her, instead she was focused on Asuka, massaging the neckline of her orange lab coat…thing. It slowly moved south. "Tell me, Asuka, do you have a boyfriend?"

"No," she gulped.

"A girlfriend?" Raine's hand was now overtop her own breasts.

"Oooookay." Sheena took Asuka by the shoulders, leaving Raine alone with herself.

"Aw, c'mon, Sheena! Let me have this one!"

"Heh, heh, sorry about her, Asuka. She gets a little…lonely."

And that's when Asuka Langley Soryu, of all the people in the world, said to Sheena, "She has some SERIOUS issues."

What could she do but agree?

Asuka was grasping at the thin hope that the Bridge crew would be normal. She was begging. She was praying. She was threatening God to send her some normal people. Maybe it's because He doesn't like being threatened, or because He finds her suffering enjoyable, or the more likely option is that He simply just doesn't care – in any case, the Bridge Crew was just as unhinged as the rest of NERV. They…you know what? I'm gonna come right out and say it.

The Bridge Crew were Kuchinawa, Colette Brunel, and Richter Abend.

What's that? You didn't play Dawn of the New World? Well screw you. I liked it. It wasn't great or anything, but hey, how could you actually follow Tales of Symphonia, anyway? I meant the game was damn near perfect! And if you haven't played the game, then you don't know who Emil is anyway.

So why the hell are you still here?

Obviously, Asuka first noticed the man dressed up as a ninja. It was the same one who had tried to assassinate Sheena a week before. Rather, she assumed it was the same one. Ninja's wear the same uniform to confuse the enemy. And she was pretty sure no one could survive being tossed out a window, but she never saw the body. Ninjas retrieve their dead to make their enemies think that they can't be killed.

No wait, that's the Persian Immortals.

"You're…a member of NERV?" She sputtered, somewhere between fear and fury. How could someone so obviously dangerous be part of the team that was supposed to keep her alive during an Angel battle?

Now that she thought about it, where _was_ the Third Child Anyway?

* * *

**Let's find out

* * *

**

"Avast, ye scurvy dog!"

…**Um**

Lloyd stood at the bow of the boat, an arm extended, grasping a sword. He points his crew forward. There is much booty to plunder from the Imperial vessel just ahead. He imagines the piles of treasure awaiting to be taken, hidden away in the deepest part of the craft. Even though his crew is only two men, he is sure they can rob them blind; a smaller strike force is easier to sneak about.

The boat is an old dinghy.

His crew is Emil and Genis.

The ocean in the LCL of Cage 7.

The treasure does not exist.

"How in the hell did we get roped into this?" Genis asked, pumping the oar.

Emil considered this. "You know, I honestly have no idea." He dipped the oar into the LCL and propelled the craft forward.

Lloyd brandished the blade, a real one this time. "Row faster men! She be getting' away!"

Evangelion Unit 01 is not amused.

* * *

…**Riiiiight**

**Ignoring that.

* * *

**

"Of course," Kuchinawa replied, as if it were complexly obvious. "How else would I have nearly 24/7 access to Sheena?"

Were it not for the previous assassination attempt, Asuka would have taken that line as being extremely unsettling. Like hell! Now that she knew he was actually trying to _murder_ her guardian, it was actually a lot worse. Well, _revenge kill_ was the term he used.

Asuka was about to say something when she noticed that the next two panels were shots of Sheena's and Kuchinawa's eyes. While it only took two seconds to read, the animator made the scene last around five minutes. He even got the seiyu to add in some grunts. All in all, the scene ended up resembling two constipated adults racing to the finish. Whoever won, she lost.

No words were spoken. The anger that passed between them was palpable.

While Asuka shifted uncomfortably on her feet, Colette got to hers. "Omigosh! A girl pilot! We're going to be best friends forever!"

At least one of them was friendly. "Um…sure?" Asuka was unable to determine what her feelings should be. So far it had swung from excitement to fear to uncomfortable to even more fear to uncomfortable again. Now that someone was actually being friendly (no, that's not a good word; Raine was being "friendly") to her, it was all she could do to not slip into her default Anger Mode.

Anger Mode was always active. Except when it wasn't. Right now it wasn't.

"Yay!" Colette made a strange gesture by which she pumped her closed fists up and down while they were pulled close to her sides. It was cute, sort of.

* * *

**If you don't know what I'm talking about then play the damn game! It's a weird gesture that Colette makes and it's hard to describe. Watch it on YouTube. She does it every other sentence.

* * *

**

Without waiting for any further confirmation, Colette turned and hurried back to her seat. She tripped and flew face first into the console. Whatever combination of buttons she pressed, the big screen blinked to life.

It displayed the Windows logo with the number 10 superimposed over it. "Thank you for upgrading to Windows 10."

Sheena snorted. "Huh. Last time that happened, she nearly sank Great Britain.

Asuka regarded the blonde technician warily. "Didn't that actually happen, Sheena? I mean, I remember the Berlin news saying the British Isles had been swallowed by the sea. They blamed it on the Russians."

Silence.

"Oh yeah. I think I got plastered for a full week after that."

"Ow," Colette peeled herself off of the keyboard, her face now resembling a periodic table.

"And out last technician is Richter Abend."

The red-haired half-elf spun his chair around, adjusted his glasses, and uttered a single sentence. "Courage is the magic that turns dreams into reality." And then he spun around.

* * *

**And that's enough of that.

* * *

**

By the time Sheena got around to introducing Asuka to the Sub-Commander of NERV, the Second Child had given up on anyone who works for NERV having any semblance of sanity. Then she met Yuan Ka-Fai. He stood up straight, didn't say anything odd, didn't have any sort of honor-grudge with another member of the organization. No, he was an honest-to-goodness normal person.

"Hello," he greeted the women. "I am Yuan Ka-Fai, Sub-Commander of NERV. I serve directly under Kratos. I presume you are Asuka?"

"Y-Yes, sir!" Asuka was nearly shaking with joy. Finally! Someone normal! For a long time, a LOOOOOONG time there, she was certain she was going to have to work in a place full of insanity, where she (she of all people) was the most stable mentally.

"Pilot of Unit 02, huh? I saw the recording of what happened onboard the _Over the Rainbow_. You fought very well. I have to admit that I was a little surprised at your abilities."

Because he was so nice, so approachable, so _normal_, she felt compelled to tell him the truth. "Sir, I have to confess, that plan wasn't my idea; it was Lloyd's. He was in the Entry Plug with me."

"I know," he said with a straight face. "Hm, let me say that again. I was very impressed with your abilities, especially since Lloyd was in there with you."

Her eyes lit up like supernovas, he mood lifted to a new high. All of a sudden, the world seemed like a much better place. Maybe working with those jerkwads wouldn't be so bad if there was just one man like Sub-Commander Ka-Fai there with her.

* * *

**Too bad for her.

* * *

**

As Sheena was walking Asuka towards the exit, she stopped. "Oh yeah, I almost forgot about one person."

"Who?"

"The First Child." There was a noticeable smile on the ninja's face.

"Who, Wondergirl?" Asuka's mood darkened. She had hoped to go the entire flashback visit without running into the favorite child of NERV. Asuka didn't like competition. Ok, that's not entirely true. She liked competition, but only when they lost and made her look good. The First Child…she had yet to determine what sort of competition she was going to be: the kind that improved Asuka's image, or the kind that made her seethe with jealousy.

"Come on. The Commander and Raine wanted me to introduce you two." Sheena cheerfully took Asuka by the arm and led her away. Something about the way she smiled made Asuka nervous, and considering what she had experienced so far, it was probably far less than she should be feeling.

They found her out in the gardens, you know, the part that put the Geo in Geofront. She was seated on the stump on a felled tree, which was strange, considering that there were no other tree stumps around. Also, there were no other trees around. Also, it was in the middle of the beach area. She was whittling, he small hand moving deftly as she used the knife to shape the hunk of wood into a sculpture.

* * *

**Have you guess who it is yet? Come I know you know. I'll give you a hint: pigtails. Wait for it…wait for it…there it is!

* * *

**

Presea looked up from her carving, a strange figure. Sheena recognized it as the Third Angel, Sachiel. "Yes? Can I help you?" Her voice was toneless, mechanical, like a doll. It made Asuka furious.

"Presea Combatir, Asuka Langley Soryu." Sheena introduced them. Smiling.

Both girls narrowed their eyes at one another, an instant dislike forming. Asuka stoically extended her hand. Presea mechanically met it. Each tightened their grip in steady increments, refusing to blink or say uncle. Sheena imagined that each of them had an aura of power and that they were steadily increasing in power. Asuka's was red. Presea's was pink. Her own was purple. She liked being included.

Presea glanced down at their hands. The amount of force each was applying should have broken their hands. "I do not know why we are engaging in this show of force."

And Asuka answered, "Because I don't like you."

And that's when Presea flipped her ass.

* * *

**Good lord we've been stuck in the past for a long time.

* * *

**

"Hey! Are you ok? Professor Raine is gone now, so we're allowed to move."

Asuka snapped back to the present. A girl with sandy blonde hair has rested her chin on Asuka's desk and is staring at her. It is Marta Lualdi, Class Representative.

"Hm? Oh, sorry, Marta. I zoned out for a while."

Marta had been the first one rush up and speak to Asuka. She kinda reminded her of Colette, but, you know, without the brain damage or clumsiness.

"Mhm. You and everyone else in the class. Half of the kids have welts on their foreheads from where she threw the chalk at them, even though they didn't say a word. She said something about keeping us on our toes."

For Asuka, that carried an entirely different connotation.

With a sigh, she gathered her school things, and joined the group that had gathered around her, consisting of Lloyd, Genis, Emil, and Marta. Presea was nowhere to be found. The five of them made their way towards the exit. Asuka noticed that both Emil and Genis had red welts on their foreheads. Neither wished to speak of it.

"Tomorrow's the weekend," Marta observed. "What are you guys doing?"

"Lloyd and I have a sync test Saturday morning, but after that we're free."

"We should do something!"

"Like what?" Genis shot her a skeptical look.

"Dunno. We'll think of it later." They all shared a collective groan.

They parted ways as they left school grounds, Emil, Genis, and Marta going south while Asuka and Lloyd headed east towards Sheena's apartment. "Come on, Emil," Marta squealed, "You can walk me home!" She seized him by the arm and led him away. He wasn't walking her home so much as being dragged along.

Genis sighed. "Guess I'll head home and cook dinner before Raine tries to." He shudders. "I couldn't leave the toilet for days last time."

It was just the two of them, which made Asuka think back to –

"No," she growled.

**What?**

"No. Not another flashback. I'm tired of them. They didn't even have anything to do with what was going on in the present."

**But I said – **

"No."

…**Okay.** She scares me.

She turned her thoughts back to (**Calm down!**) the other three kids. As much as she hated to say it, she actually considered that bunch of idiots her friends. And Lloyd, too, she guessed.

And then he opened his mouth.

* * *

"Sheena! The kids have returned!" Corrine raced around the rim of the kitchen table in a state of panic. Not for the first time, Sheena reflected on how adorable the little squirrel thing was. "Run away, run away!"

"Wark!" Pen Pen waddled in and hopped up into the empty chair. You didn't think I was actually going to get rid of hot-springs penguin, did you? Come on now; Pen Pen _is _the sounds of fighting soon filled the apartment. Sheena cracked a beer and poured half of it into Pen Pen's dish. They drank deeply.

Through her can, Sheena said, "Chill out, Corrine. I'm sure Lloyd won't try to – "

"No!" The little mouse thing stared her straight in the face. "NEVER. SPEAK. OF THAT. AGAIN." He burned with fury. And furriness. Good god he was adorable.

"Aw, aren't you jus the cutest thing!" She gathered him up in one hand and nuzzled him against her cheek; much to the artificial summon spirit's humiliation. He squirmed free of her grip and vanished in a puff of smoke.

"He'll be back," she observed. "He always comes back." Pen Pen shook his head in distain. She ignored him. Can poised on her lips for a drink, Sheena strained her ears above the squabbling. "I know you're there, Kuchinawa."

From somewhere unseen came a single word, "Damn."

* * *

**So yeah. Gimme some reviews. Feed my ego. Tell me anything you thought about it. Short ones are ok; they're easier to read. Tell if it sucks. JUST TELL ME! I NEED ATTENTION DAMMIT!**


	3. And That's Terrible

**Tales of Evangelion**

**Chapter 3: And That's Terrible  
**

* * *

"Let me get this straight, Mr. Wilder – "

"Please, call me Zelos."

Sub-Commander Yuan Ka-Fai scowled at being interrupted. "No. Mr. Wilder, you are telling us that the United Nations has given you, of _all_ people, privileged status as a Special Investigator of NERV, giving you near limitless access to our headquarters, and that, despite the fact that you are obviously a double, perhaps triple, agent, as well as likely possessing your own personal objectives, you expect us to overlook all of that and allow you to actually conduct your task without having you forcibly removed by our own Presea Combatir?"

"That is correct, Sub-Commander."

Yuan considered the pink-clad man. "What is stopping me from calling in security right now, Mr. Wilder?"

"That man, right there." He indicated Kratos.

"Correct. Now, why should Supreme Commander Aurion allow you to remain here?"

Zelos smiled and faced Kratos. "Because, Commander, I believe I am the only one here who can appreciate you truly as a man among men."

Yuan groaned, knowing exactly what was coming next.

"Yuan," Kratos said through his interlaced fingers. "Allow this man to carry out his duties unhindered. Mr. Wilder, welcome to NERV."

"Please, Commander, call me Zelos."

"Dismissed, Zelos." Zelos gave a lazy salute and sauntered out of the Commander's office.

"Yuan," Kratos said to his second once they were alone. "Have _Man Among Men_ added to my nameplate."

**The studio audience erupted into laughter.**

The Sub-Commander rubbed the bridge of his nose tensely.

* * *

"Goooooooooood mooooooooning, Sunshiiiiiiiiine!"

Groggily, Sheena opened one eye and immediately shut it against the harsh sunlight. Also she was pretending that Zelos was not poised over her. "Go away, Zelos, it's too early for this."

"Ah, that old phrase," he said wistfully. "How many times have I heard it from you?"

"And yet you never gave up." She pushed her head under her pillow. "As long as you're here, would you mind getting me a cup of coffee? I can smell Lloyd making some right now."

It wasn't until he reached the doorway that Zelos paused. "Wait. Can you smell the coffee? Or can you smell Lloyd?"

No answer.

"Right." Uncertainly, Zelos entered the kitchen and found Lloyd dutifully brewing. "Yo, Llyod, my man. The sleeping temptress desires a cup of joe to chase away the pounding in her head."

Lloyd stared at him blankly.

"Coffee, man. Sheena needs coffee to get rid of her hangover," he explained exhaustedly.

"Oh. Why didn't you say so? Here. Careful, it's hot."

Zelos took the steaming mug by the handle gingerly. "Wow, it really is; I should get this to her quickly, then." He started away.

"Actually, I lied. It's really iced coffee."

"What?" Suddenly the mug was freezing to the touch, which nearly caused Zelos to drop it. "The fuck? How did you do that? This mug was burning up not two seconds ago!"

"That's because it's actually hot."

A blast of steam hit Zelos in the face as the coffee was suddenly boiling again; he dropped the mug and it shattered across the floor. "What is this witchcraft?" he demanded from Lloyd.

"I don't see any coffee in my hand!" Sheena yelled from the other room.

"In a moment, my sweet!" He snatched up another mug and glared at Lloyd. The swordsman-in-red grinned a stupid, toothy grin and drank his devil coffee.

Sheena awaited with her open hand protruding from beneath the blanket. It snapped at him impatiently.

"You, uh, might want to be careful with this."

"I know how Lloyd's coffee works," she replied, using her hand as a talking puppet. "Stop screwing around and hand it over, bucko!" The hand puppet snatched the coffee from him and disappeared underneath with it. Ten seconds later, it reappeared, looking contented. "Much better," it said.

"Can you stop with the hand puppet? It's creepy."

"What? You used to love my hand puppet." She fixed it into a frowning face.

"Not when it was talking to me; I loved it because of its other talents." He rubbed his chest with the memories. "Oh, yes."

"Lloyd, door!" Zelos barely had time to wonder what that meant before Sheena burst from underneath the covers with a kick to the chest hard enough to send him flaying backward down the hall, and out the front door, which had been opened by Lloyd. He collided with the railing outside and slid to the ground.

"Thanks for stopping by," Lloyd said and shut the door.

Zelos felt the back of his head for blood. When he found none, he checked his manhood. "Just like old times," he grinned.

* * *

"Wake up!" Raine brought her foot into Genis' stomach with enough force to dent a brick wall. Thankfully he was an Elf, so that made him more resilient to the blow, or something. Either way, it hurt like hell and nearly knocked the wind out of him.

"Sis," he croaked, rolling around in pain. "I'm awake…o god, I think you kicked my kidney into my small intestine."

"Wonderful, you're awake." Her voice was sweet and motherly, as if she hadn't just kicked her little brother in gut, full-force. Which she totally had. "I have to go into work, but I made breakfast; it's on the stove. Clean up when you're done. Don't leave this house in a mess."

Genis wouldn't dare. "You didn't have to wake me up for that."

"I know. I just didn't want you sleeping peacefully while I was working. Have fun today!" Genis waited until he heard the front door slam before he sat up. Raine's ability to switch dispositions at the drop of a hat alarmed him. He was fairly certain she had some sort of mental problem, like schizophrenia, but valued his own life more than her mental well being. She liked to severely injure those who insulted her, disagreed with her, weren't listening to her, were prettier than her – the list goes on. He was perfectly happy in his denial; his limbs were still attacked.

Muttering to himself, he rolled over and tried to sleep again. Raine's cooking was notoriously bad; not a single person who had diner on her slop walked away with an intact colon. He'd clean up later, before he had to meet Lloyd and the others. "Ugh, my kidney." It still felt like ti had shifted inside him. The irony of the situation was the Raine practiced Healing magic and was therefore the only one who could fix him up.

Unable to sleep from a combination of the kick and the horrible smells wafting in from the kitchen, Genis threw off the covers and shuffled to the bathroom. Relieved that he didn't see any blood in his urine, he finally made his way to the kitchen with every intention of tossing out the horrible mass that Raine tried to pass off as food.

"Perfect, she left the stove on." There was but a single pot on the stove. The lid was on, so he couldn't see what was cooking. Deciding he really didn't want to know, he shut it off and stuck his head into the fridge, searching for something that wouldn't turn him inside out over the toilet. He came away with two pieces of bread and a block of cheese that only had a small patch of green, fuzzy mold. As he prepared the lackluster sandwich, he heard the _snick-snick-snick-woosh_ of the oven turning on, followed by the sound of the pot lid clattering.

He froze. Raine had left, right? He had heard the door slam. He was alone. So what the hell _was_ that?

Armed with a moldy block of cheese and a butter knife, Genis approached the pot. He tapped the side of the pot with the knife. Twice. Three times. Nothing. Well, what did he expect? Still tense, he shut off the oven. Then something happened: her heard a noise from within the pot. He tapped the side of it again. Whatever was inside _tapped back_.

Not taking any chances, Genis dove onto the table and flipped in on its side, hiding behind the makeshift barrier. Once his heart stopped beating out of his chest, he peered over the table and studied the pot.

The lid rattled and a tentacle of spaghetti slithered out and wrapped around the controls for the flame, turning it to 6 before retreating back inside.

Genis sprinted back into his room and shove his desk in front of the door. But it was a sliding door; there was even a whole sequence about it in the last chapter. So, apparently a desk was supposed to keep whatever was in that pot from getting to him.

* * *

**Because I'm out of ideas at the moment, let's follow Raine to work, shall we?

* * *

**

"Alright, where is it?" Raine hadn't set one foot out of the lift before she started ordering everyone around. "I want to know what you goons did with Gaghiel's core and why is there no goddamn tea in my hand?" An instant later, a warm cup of tea appeared in her palm. "Thank you, Kuchinawa."

The core of the last Angel had been excavated from the carcass and brought to NERV. Like with the other cores, they hoped to learn more about what made the Angel's tick. To date, what they had learned fell into two categories: A. Stuff that could only be explained with made up terms, concepts, and pseudoscience; or B. Stuff that made no goddamn sense whatsoever. For instance, the Angel's A.T. Field was explained away as being magic. Where exactly they came from is listed under "No goddamn sense".

"Good morning, Sempai."

"Morning, Colette. Richter. What's the status on Gaghiel's core?" The two visible members of the Bridge Crew gave the core a dejected look. It was suspended three stories above the workroom floor by way of ropes and a crane; it was still impaled by the Progressive sword.

"Right. Why hasn't the sword been removed already?"

"Well," Richter began, "we tried a few times, but it's stuck in thee with glue, or something – I don't know. So we decided it would just be easier to leave it."

Raine sipped her tea thoughtfully. "Uh huh. Where's Kuchinawa?"

"No idea."

"I thought as much. Colette, go tell the crew to move the core up one level so the sword can be cut away and we can examine it properly."

"Yes, Sempai."

"So, Richter, what have we learned about the Angels?"

The half-elf shifted though his notes. "We have three new additions to category A – and over four hundred to category B. Among what we now of understand is that Angels are possibly Magitechnology creations. Unless they're not. In which case most of Category A becomes Category B. Or even C."

A silver eyebrow shot up. "What's in Category C?"

"Hell if I know."

She sighed. "What about then stuff that doesn't make any goddamn sense whatsoever?"

"Well. There's – " He didn't get to finish.

A large crash sounded from the five story work area, followed by Colette's "Sorry!" The crashes sounded closer and closer until the impaled core smashed through the room and carved out a jagged path of destruction and chaos. As if that wasn't bad enough, the sharp end of the progressive sword caught on the tiled floor and tore it up as well. Richter hastily stepped back to avoid a falling piece of ceiling, and then again to avoid the sword. The death-sphere continued until it opened a path into Kratos' large mausoleum office, where it hung like a giant red disco ball from hell.

Minutes later, Raine had the Bridge Crew gathered together. "Ok, team, what did we learn?"

Colette spoke first. "To watch where I walk because sometimes my feet take me places that involve heavy machinery that can kill people. And that's terrible."

Richter spoke next. "To appreciate every moment of my life because in a single instant, it might be all be ended by a random act of stupidity. And that's terrible."

Kuchinawa didn't answer because he was actually a scarecrow dummy of himself. And that's terrible.

Raine carefully absorbed all their answers before draining the last of her tea. "Very good, Kuchinawa: we didn't learn a damn thing. And that's terrible."

* * *

_Ding-dong_.

"I'll get it!" Lloyd and announced, sprinting from somewhere in the apartment to the front door.

"Did a herd of elephants just run by here?" Asuka poked her head out of her room.

"No," Sheena sighed. "Just Lloyd."

"Even worse."

"Asuka!" Lloyd shouted from the door. "It's Emil and Marta. Ready to go?"

"Don't rush me dammit!" She disappeared back into her room.

"Is she always like this?" Emil asked, gently trying to detach Marta from his arm; she hung on like a koala cub to its mother. Or a really, really, really, hot male koala. Or a – or a leech. Yeah, a leech. No, but leeches are gross; Marta is adorable like a koala. So…a parasitic koala. That's the one.

"Yep. What you see at school is just a fraction of her evil."

Emil placed a conciliatory hand on Lloyd's shoulder. "I'm so sorry."

"It looks like you have problems of your own."

"Please," Emil begged. "Don't remind me. I can't feel my arm anymore."

":3" she replied.

Lloyd asked Emil, "Did she just…?"

"Dude…don't ask."

"Hi kids," Sheena hollered from the kitchen, brandishing a mug of Lloyd's coffee. "Have you guys had this stuff? It's like magic! No, I mean, seriously it's magic; the damn thing switches from hot to cold and I can't. Figure. Out. How!"

"Is she drunk already?" Emil asked.

"Probably," Lloyd said with a shrug.

"Say, Sheena," Marta yelled, squeezing Emil tighter; he though she was going to tear his arm off and beat him with it, which was weird because it didn't make any sense at all. But Marta was being awfully clingy today. Also, the blood was pooling in his hand below where she had her vice grip, preventing it from reaching his brain, so he was probably a little woozy from that, as well.

Um…what was happening?

"What'chu want, Marta?"

"Who's the sketchy looking guy hanging around your apartment?"

"Does he have red hair and a pink vest over a white shirt?"

"Well, he does have the pink shirt, but he's wearing a hat and mask?"

"What kind of hat?"

"Looks kind of like a pimp's hat."

She chuckled. "Yeah, that's Zelos. He thinks his _masked swordsman_ persona will hide his identity. But little does he know that I helped invent the disguise in the first place!" She threw her head back in laughter. "The fool!" The kind of laughter from a supervillain. Or something.

"Oh." Marta looked back to where Zelos was hiding behind the corner – badly; the brim of his hat was in full view. "Wait, what?"

Lloyd and Emil both shook their heads discouragingly. "You won't like the answer," her unrequited love informed her. "We never do."

"But that – if she helped – how can he not know – uh, forget it." Emil took the opportunity to slide a little of his arm out of her hug-of-death.

"Ok, I'm ready!" Asuka chose that moment to appear from her room. Really, she hadn't need the time to change; she'd just sat there with her ear to the door because, obviously, she couldn't miss the conversation. What if it was on a test later?

**Which reminds me, are you all taking notes? What? You are? Well…stop. **

"Hey, where's the short one?"

Lloyd noticed for the first time that Genis was absent. Some friend _he_ was. "Yeah, where is he?"

Emil shrugged, which came out awkwardly because Marta was holding his left arm down, so the shrug was one shoulder. Was his face paler than normal? Were his eyes unfocused? Probably.

"He said…that… he was going to meet…here…" Emil swayed on his feet, the pooling blood finally making him lightheaded. He staggered sideways into Marta, which earned him a "Squee!" and a tighter hug across his whole body. At least his arm was released and the blood flowing normally.

From somewhere deep in the bowels of the apartment, Sheena suddenly announced, "Yes, yes! This is brilliant!"

"Well," Asuka announced, ignoring just about everything else that was happening. "Let's go find the little twerp, then."

"Oh, Asuka," Sheena called. "Take Pen Pen with you. He's been cooped up in his refrigerator for most of this week and needs to go for a walk." As if that wasn't the strangest sentence ever uttered. Actually it wasn't. One of the ones from the last section – Richter or Raine said it. You know the one.

The hot springs penguin waddled up to the Second Child and blinked skeptically. _Well, alright_, he seemed to be saying. _Let's get this over with._

Was it possible? Could the penguin have known what coming next? I doubt it, but is he did, then that makes him so fucking awesome. Either way, he was not prepared.

* * *

**You are not prepared!

* * *

**

Corrine poofed into existence on Sheena's shoulder. The table was littered with papers and diagrams; it was the most he had ever seen her write or read. Ever.

"Sheena, what the hell is all this?" Oh god, even his swear words are adorable.

"This, my furry little friend, is the end result of too much magic coffee!"

"Um." She had a wild look in her eyes. "How much _magic_ did you add to the coffee?"

"It's all natural, baby."

"Wait for me, guys!" Corrine disappeared in a puff of smoke and reappeared beside Pen Pen. "I wouldn't recommend going back there anytime soon."

"Wark," which meant something like, _If it were up to me, I would _never_ go back._

"Me neither, dude. Me neither."

* * *

**Right, so, back to Genis…

* * *

**

Nobody answered the door when Asuka knocked, but maybe that was because her knocks were more like the pounding of a tax collector – or a court summons. "Hey, pipsqueak!" she shouted. "Open the door!"

"Maybe nobody's home?" Emil suggested between attempts to dislodge Marta from around his leg. She's so affectionate.

"That's impossible," Asuka retorted.

"Why is it impossible?"

"Because I said so that's why." She pounded again before turning away in a huff. "Whatever. We don't need him anyway."

Curious, Lloyd went up and twisted the handle; it opened. "The door is unlocked, so somebody's home."

"Wait!" Emil damn near shouted at Lloyd. "We can't just walk on in to someone else's home."

A look of genuine confusion crossed his face. "Why not? We do it all the time."

"It's rude."

"Look, kid," Lloyd explained like he was talking to an ignorant little brother. "I'm not an idiot. I've been around the block – and that block is a world or two – and in my experience, doors work like this: if they're locked, then either you aren't supposed to go in them or you need to find the key. If doors are unlocked, then you are supposed to go in. Inside you find one of four things: another room, enemies, treasure, or plot exposition." Pulling the door open, he stepped over the threshold. "Personally, I'm hoping for treasure."

"I think that might have been the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my entire life ever," Asuka remarked. "I mean what kind of idiot would - ?"

"We're already inside!" Marta called back to her as Emil struggled to walk while weighed down by the eighty-something pounds of teenage hormones attached to his leg. Pen Pen and Corrine also followed along, leaving Asuka alone outside.

"Damn it!" She stomped inside.

The interior of Genis's apartment was in such a state of disrepair that Presea would be like "Damn this is dirty!" You know…because her apartment's a mess? Oh yeah, I guess we haven't experienced that memory yet. Anyway, the thing of it was that it all looked recent. As far as any of them knew, neither Raine nor Genis was a slob.

"Why is all of the furniture turned over?" Emil wondered aloud.

"Why is there spaghetti sauce all over the walls?" Lloyd questioned the red stains.

"Why won't Emil reciprocate my love?" Marta asked, unintentionally aloud.

"Why are you all just standing around, gaping like morons? Move!" Asuka pushed past them and took charge of the situation as she was apt to do. "Hey, short-stack, where are you?"

There was silence for a minute. Then, "In here." It came from the direction of Genis's room. When they opened the door, they found him cowering behind an overturned kitchen table with his desk pushed in front of the sliding door. He was met with a series of dumfounded looks. "Get in here, quick!" With a series of shrugs, they climbed over the desk and into the makeshift bunker. "Here, put these on." It was then that Asuka noticed Genis was wearing a spaghetti strainer for a helmet.

"I will most certainly not be wearing that," she declared as he handed her one. Lloyd affixed his uncertainly and Emil set one on Marta's face.

"But you have to!" Pen Pen waddled into view as Corrine appeared in a puff of smoke. "Or else it'll eat your brains!"

Emil, halfway into putting his on his head, stopped, and tossed it aside. "Ok. I'm out."

"Wark?"

"Yeah," Lloyd agreed. "What's going on?"

With fearful eyes, Genis crept forward and opened the door slightly. "There." He pointed at the pot sitting atop the stove. "In the pot. There's a monster!"

"A monster?" Lloyd drew his swords. "Well then, we'll just have to take care of – Asuka what are you doing?"

He patience wearing thin, Asuka hopped over the desk and crossed to the kitchen. "Putting an end to this stupid game. Look, see, it's just spaghetti." She removed the pot; a puff of steam escaped into the apartment.

"NO! YOU FOOL!" Genis fell to his knees dramatically and implored the heavens. "YOU OPENED THE LID; YOU RELEASED IT! WE ARE ALL DOOMED!"

"Ok look, this is stupid. I've taken time out of my busy schedule to spend the day with you clowns. I was supposed to have a sync test today, but I talked the Commander into moving it to tomorrow." Truth be told, all she had to do was imply that he was an extremely virile male specimen. She hadn't even gotten all the way through her request before he walked out saying, "Yeah, sure, whatever," and mentioned something about looking for Raine. She didn't dare think of the implications.

"So here I am, putting up with your stupidity for today, but there's only so much I can handle. Lloyd already tests the limit of my patience – and I have to live with him – but this? This is beyond comprehension. I don't even think there are words to describe the level of idiocy I am witnessing, so I'm going to have to start inventing a few." She cleared her throat in preparation for a list worthy of Dr. Cox and didn't notice the horrible mass beginning to make its way out of the pot. Lloyd, Genis, Emil, Marta, Pen Pen, and Corrine watched with perverse fascination as the abomination of nature slowly came into view.

It leapt at Asuka.

"First off – AYIEEEEE! WHAT IS IT OH GOTTIN HEIMEL GET IT OFF GET IT OFF IOERBKRW MOWRB!"

Emil replaced his anti-brain eating helmet and shut the door.

* * *

Down in the GeoFront, Presea continued to whittle her scale model of the Third Angel, Sachiel. She had spent weeks on this one carving, scarcely sleeping nor eating. It had to be perfect, right down to the last detail. The energy lances in the arms, the plague-mask face, the anatomically impossible dimensions, everything. Scattered around her were the splintered remains of failed carvings, individuals with minute flaws that prevented them from achieving perfection. But not this one; this one was perfect.

With the final splinter cut away, Presea Combatir, the First Child, set aside her knife to examine her handiwork. She turned it over and over many times in her hands, inspecting every last detail with the precision of a diamond cutter. Finding no flaw, she stood from her seat, put away her knife and went to the elevator to take her to the surface. Once above, she rode the Tokyo-3 Loop Line for two stops until she returned to her apartment.

She didn't bother with the dishevelment of garbage, clothes, food, and teen magazine, instead making a beeline for her bedroom, where she placed the carving of Sachiel on her desk. It stood on its own; it looked as if at any moment, it might spring to life and bellow anti-Semitic propaganda.

Presea set her head on the desk, Sachiel's meeting her at eye level. "Hello, my friend," she said.

* * *

"So, we're all clear on the plan?" Lloyd asked a half hour later.

Emil frowned. "What? No! You didn't tell us any plan; you just pulled us close and asked 'So, we're all clear on the plan?' without any sort of lead in."

"Oh." Lloyd considered this for a moment. "Does anyone have a plan?"

Marta had since released Emil's leg and was sitting with Pen Pen in her lap. "Well, it's spaghetti, right? Why don't we just eat it? I'm kind of hungry anyway."

Emil made a face. "Ew, no. It's been all over Asuka's face and in her hair; I don't want to eat pasta that has hair in it."

"So you're just going to let that monster eat her brains?"

"What if we washed it off in the sink?" Lloyd offered.

"With or without Asuka?" Marta asked.

Genis thought about it. "I guess that depends on whether or not we can get it all off of her before then."

"Won't that make her angry?" Emil shuddered.

"It's that or have her brains eaten, Emil. Which would you prefer?"

"Ok fine. But, what, are we just going to eat plain spaghetti?"

"What do you mean?" Marta asked, rubbing Pen Pen's head.

"Washing the noodle monster off will wash the sauce away, as well. I don't eat spaghetti by itself."

"That's true," Lloyd concurred. "Genis, do you have any butter or Parmesan cheese in the fridge?"

"I have both," he answered.

"Awesome. So. Genis, you secure the butter and cheese; Marta, you're in charge of gathering the eating utensils; Emil, you and I are to get the spaghetti and/or Asuka to the sink for cleaning. Is everyone clear?"

"Clear!" they resounded.

"Alright, team – break!"

On cue, the side wall of his room exploded inward as Asuka appeared, the spaghetti monster still attached to her head. Her words still came out as keysmashes and she frantically clawed at the spaghetti. But it was spaghetti; ever try and hold onto that shit? It's like fucking impossible.

"There it is! Get it!" Lloyd and Emil pounced on Asuka as Genis and Marta dashed over the desk into the kitchen. Together, the two boys were able to haul her to her feet and carry her. "To the sink!"

Corrine and Pen Pen watched the scene with a mixture of horrid fascination and perverse amusement. "Wark?"

"Dude, I have no fucking idea what's going on."

Somehow, Lloyd and Emil managed to get Asuka's head under the faucet and turned the water on full stream. Behind them, Genis and Marta advanced, armed with forks, bowls, butter, and grated Parmesan cheese.

"Wait," someone shouted. "Please, friends, allow me to explain myself."

It was Asuka, they realized, or rather, it was the spaghetti attached to her face. Emil shut the water off and they both let go of Asuka, letting her sink to the floor, gasping for breath. Pen Pen waddled over in curiosity and joined the circle of people staring down at her. Inexplicably, the spaghetti quivered and coalesced into a tight mass of noodles. Then, it lifted off of her face and proceeded to hover in the goddamned air! Two eyes manifested and stared out with curiosity.

"Peace, strange friends – I do not mean any of you harm."

Lloyd took the talking, flying, spaghetti monster in stride. "Who are you and want do you want with Asuka's face?"

"I do not know, one-who-is-clothed-in-red. I have only existed since earlier this day, when I was awakened inside the silver-pot-of-warmth. For the brief time that I lived inside of it, I was very happy, but then the time of heat ended and my home grew cold. Driven by the instinct to survive, I probed outside of my home. With knowledge that was present in my mind at birth, I reignited the flame of the world and heat was restored. Once more the heat vanished, and I had to restore it. But now I was aware of the larger world around me. I heard voices, many different voices in the world-beyond-my-world. When the roof of my world was removed and the heat of life began to rise away from me, I reacted on instinct, and attacked the one who would bring my world to an end. It was the on-who-wears-hair-in-two-tails that I believed was the destroyer-who-would-come. I see now that my assumptions were incorrect."

It hovered over to Genis and extended a noodle. "Forgive me, child-with-silver-hair, for startling you."

Rather than take the noodle, Genis just waved. "Yeah, uh, no, it's fine. Really. And, my name is Genis, by the way."

"Genis-by-the-way," the thing repeated before moving to each of the others in turn. He learned You-can-just-call-me-Marta, uh-just-Emil, and Lloyd-of-Argos. Pen Pen and Corrine also introduced themselves.

"And lastly, let me offer my sincerest apologies, child-with-two-hair-tails – "

"Asuka…Langley…Soryu…" she whispered, seething with rage.

"My apologies, Asuka-Langely-Soryu," it offered. "I acted out of self-defense for my home, but I see now that there is a whole world beyond what I know." It flew over to the window and opened. "Farewell, my friends, I have much to see, and it will be many moons before I see you again."

They all offered varying degrees of well-wishing as the flying spaghetti monster disappeared into the afternoon light. All except Asuka.

"I. Hate. You. All."

* * *

Despite the extensive damage to Central Dogma, business continued more or less normally – some part of the complex exploded every other day, so really, it was a fairly common occurrence. The technicians and janitorial staff were becoming numb to the strange occurrences not listed in their job contract. They had to, it was in their contract. Seriously, the clause "Oh, and there might be some other weird stuff that happens on a daily basis. You just have to put up with that as well" despite being scribbled in at the last minutes, was just as binding as the rest of the document. I guess.

There was one among them, however, that was no getting used to the daily destruction of NERV headquarters: Sub-Commander Yuan Ka-Fai. He was returning with Kratos's nameplate – it had taken longer than it should have because the inscription office was still busy making the one from last time, so they had to stop that one and begin again. Actually, they had to do it twice before they got it right because they accidentally misspelled "Diamond Swordsman" as "Demon Swordsman", even though Yuan tried to argue that Kratos wouldn't even notice. And now to complete the original sentence – when the impaled Core of Gaghiel crashed into the Commander's office. Yuan could only stare helplessly as it dangled over the untouched desk, which was empty by the way.

Kratos left a note: "Yuan – I am a super-viral male specimen; be back whenever."

Not even stopping to consider whatever the hell that meant, Yuan placed the new nameplate on the desk and hurried out, desperately shaking bad images from his mind.

Elsewhere, twleve black monoliths phases into existence in an empty chamber. The one labeled "SEELE 01" spoke to the others. "I hereby call this meeting of the Council of Seele to order." From the safety of his office, the man who was Seele 01, brushed aside his golden locks, straightened his flawless white garments, drummed his perfectly manicured fingers on the length of his glowing purple sword, and frowned.

Things were most certainly _not_ going according to the scenario. 


	4. A New Flashback

**Tales of Evangelion**

**Chapter 4: A New Flashback!  
**

* * *

The twelve monoliths hovered in silence for a long moment before SEELE 01 spoke again. "We have a problem with the Children."

04: I'll say. Gaghiel got taken down like he was nothing. I haven't seen a beatdown that one sided since 10 over there got his ass handed to him.

10: It was four on one! How am I supposed to win against that? And besides, you all got beat, too.

11: We, at least, put up a good fight! And we didn't go whining afterward like the bitch-ass punk you are.

12: I…**wheeze**…agree…**wheeze**

06: We were smart! We went three-on-one! Stupid you!

09: … … … …

12: Shut up, 09. No one can understand you anyway.

05: Look, everyone, why don't we –

02: Make me king of this meeting? Well, sure ok! As my first order of business –

01 pressed a button on his control panel which switched all of the monoliths, save his own, from "Sound Only" to "Mute". He basked in the silence for a few minutes until the others realized no one else could hear them. Most of them would stop once no one was around to hear them. "Are we quite through?" he asked once sound had been restored and received one or two yeses, which was all he could hope for.

01: As I was saying, we have a problem. The first four Angels were taken down with little effort.

03: And that big walking whatchamacallit.

01: …Yes, thank you. And Jet Alone.

11: What kind of a stupid - ?

11's sound was promptly switched off.

01: And now there are three pilots in Tokyo-3. I'm taking suggestions.

12: I…think…we…

12's sound was also switched off.

06 : OMG WE THINK THAT WE SHOULD TOTALLY –

As was 06's.

04: Well, what's the strongest Angel we have?

05: Zeruel.

04: Then why don't we just send him in right now? Obviously, the pilots are just going to keep getting stronger with each Angel they defeat. I KNOW HOW THESE THINGS WORK!

10: Well, uh, there's a couple problems with that, there, 04. Ain't that right, 07?

07: Squawk!

04: What problems? Isn't our goal to crush NERV as well as any and all opposition to…whatever…wait, what they hell are we doing?

03: Instruments…Insulation…Inception…

05: Instrumentality.

03: Yeah, that one.

09: …

02: If I were in charge, we wouldn't have this problem!

01: Ugh…ok. First off: killing all the pilots this early in the scenario is…not in the scenario. So that's out. And why don't we send Zeruel? Well…see…there was a signup sheet back in 2000. Sachiel rushed to be first – and was promptly humiliated. See, Zeruel is all the way down here at 14, right after Bardiel.

The center of the monoliths lit up and three-dimensional image of a piece of paper labeled "Order of attack". The sounds of palms slapping faces echoed in the emptiness. What they didn't see was that between Ramiel and Gaghiel, someone had scribbled in 4.5: Jet Alone.

04: So, uh, who's next on the list?

01: Is…Israfel.

02: Oh god not them! This is a noble organization of testosterone and sex; we don't need no frilly, dancing, sissy-boys representing us!

10: Oh man. Even Matariel would be a better choice than that.

02: No. Matariel's a wimp. He's going to get his ass – er – eye kicked harder and faster than even Sachiel did! We should have set _him_ first!

01: Look, that's the list and we have to stick by it. If an organization doesn't obey its' own rules, then what is it?

02: America?

01: Exactly.

08: Squawk!

01: Before we send the Twin Angels of –

04: Gay and gay!

01: - Dance and Poetry, let's go back over the last few battles and see if there's anything to be learned. Alright?

02: Hellz yeah. I want to see Sachiel get his face pounded again!

03: Is this one of them fancy telemawhosists?

04: I still think we should smash them!

05: It's a smart idea; strategy is important.

06: [Muted]

07: Where is Aska?

08: Squawk!

09: … … …

10: Aw man, what a drag.

11: [Muted]

12: [Mu…te…d]

Fighting back a massive migraine, SEELE 01 flipped a switch and the image of the list was replaced by a holographic recording.

* * *

Somewhere east of Tokyo-3, a battalion of tanks lined the mountainside road, watching intently over the submerged ruins of _some_ city. Were the tanks part of the Japan Strategic Self Defense Force, then sure, the soldiers would probably have known what the place used to be before Second Impact. But, alas, the soldiers were from the United Nations, and thus could not give less of a fuck.

The day had passed so far rather uneventfully. Most of the tanks were switched off and the UN peacekeepers had exited the vehicles and were huddling in the shade. Man, these Japanese summers were something, huh?

"Hey, Sarge?" one soldier called in a heavy Southern American accent.

"What is it, Private?" answered the grizzled army veteran. He had fought in the conflicts that had followed Second Impact.

"How come we're out here?"

"'Cause I ordered you here." He chomped on his cigar.

"Well, yeah, I know that. But I mean…why did the UN send us out here?"

Sighing, Sarge pulled Private to his feet and directed his attention to the ocean. "Look out there, Private. What do you see?"

"Ocean, Sarge."

"Exactly. All that you can see used to be civilization. Now, it has been reclaimed by the sea. Now, it is our enemy."

"S-Sir?"

"Nature, I mean. We are in a never ending struggle against the forces of nature, seeking to reclaim the earth from our grasp." Drama filling his mind, Sarge climbed up onto one of the tanks and balanced himself on the barrel. "For hundreds of thousands of years, humanity has struggled against the unforgiving wilderness. We built towns, cities, empires! All to protect form the bitch that is Mother Nature. The Twenty-First Century was to be our triumph over her! We would be the undisputed masters of the world – and do you know what happened?"

Private shifted uncomfortably. "Second Impact, sir?"

"That's right. Mother Nature threw a goddamn meteor at us. Not one like she threw at the dinosaurs – no, those motherfuckers got a true asteroid! – but a tiny one, millimeters across. Millimeters! Do you know how insulting that is, Private? To have Nature not pay us the same respect as the fucking dinosaurs? Give me a T-Rex any day and I could wrestle that fucker down to the ground and rape it into submission."

Private wished Sarge wouldn't straddle the tank barrel to illustrate his point.

"We ain't no pansy-ass dinosaurs, Private, we're humans, by God! And not just any humans, but mothefucking Americans!"

* * *

**At this point I pulled up YouTube and found America, Fuck Yeah! I then looped it over and over again, deliberately writing slowly so as listen to its inspiring words as many times as possible.

* * *

**

Seemingly hearing the patriotism, Sarge saluted an imaginary flag and remarked, "And we Americans don't know when to quit!"

On cue, a column of water shot up in the distance.

"What the hell was that?" Private asked no one in particular.

"The enemy," Sarge said, chomping down on the cigar. Around him, hundreds of war machines sputtered to life, belching gasoline fumes into the air. "All tanks, concentrate fire on the Enemy." Somehow, everyone could hear the capital letter. A hundred rounds whistled through the air towards the figure emerging from the water.

"Fuck nature."

* * *

When Lloyd arrived in Tokyo-3, it was more or less devoid of human life. Or Elven life. Or half-elven life. Or even Dwarved life. That's not fair: all places are devoid of Dwarven life. He remembered seeing something about the Dwaves on the Discovery Channel. Something about how there was only a few of them left and that they were all male and so couldn't make any more baby Dwarves, which meant they were going to die out soon. After a moment, he remembered that it was actually Galapagos Tortoises – but the idea was the same. Short, funny-looking race. Slow to breed. Master of crafting tools. Eh, potato potahto.

Anyway, the city was empty. After a cursory glance around, Lloyd shrugged and decided the only logical course of action was to try to find someone to talk to. Some people might call that breaking and entering. He called it exploring. Whenever he found an apartment empty, he examined all of the shelves for useful items. Some people call that stealing. He called it…well, he still called it stealing.

Bag of swag dragging behind him, Lloyd pressed forward.

* * *

The UN tank battalion hadn't been enough to stop the thing, but Sarge had refused to order a retreat. Instead, he had somehow located a cutlass and brandished it as he continued to straddle the barrel of his tank – even as it cranked out shell after shell. In sight of his sheer defiance of death, no one dared retreat.

The figure was vaguely humanoid, with hunched shoulders and long spindly arms and legs. A red jewel was partially protected by an external rib cage. Private drew some comparisons between the thing's face and the Plague Doctors of the middle ages.

"Mother of God," Sarge sword. "It's hideous." As it neared them, they could see the shells were doing no damage at all to the creature; it didn't even stagger when hit. "Mother Nature sure is pissed at you, huh, Private?"

"Me, sir?"

But he didn't get a response. The thing raised a hand and swiped away half the tank battalion with one strike. As it raised its hand again, this time to take out Sarge's men, the grizzled veteran raised both of his own hands in a double-middle-finger salute.

Private watched with aw. "I love you, Sarge."

"Eh?"

All of the tanks went flying away spectacularly.

* * *

The modified 1981 Alpine Renault A310 sped through the abandoned streets of an unspecified Japanese city, whipping around corners, doing well over a hundred mph, generally behaving like it was goddamn Tokyo Drift.

**Disclaimer: I have never seen Need for Speed: Tokyo Drift. Nor do I plan to.**

Ninja-Summoner extraordinaire, Sheena Fujibayashi screamed as she drove. "Corrine! Which pedal makes it stop again?" I use the term "drive" very loosely.

"The right one, the right one!" The vehicle accelerated enough to get some decent air off the back of a parked pickup truck with the ramp lowered. "I mean left! The left pedal!"

"Too late now!" The blue Alpine soared through the air in slow motion. Behind her, something exploded and the vehicle raced the slowly approaching flames. It made for a very exciting moment.

"What the fuck, Sheena?" Kuchinawa shouted from the back seat. "Have you never driven a goddman car before?"

"What the hell are _you_ doing here, Kuchinawa?"

"Well, I came here to possibly kill you and avenge the destruction of Mizuho, but now I'm going to try and keep you from getting us all killed!"

"Aren't you one of the Bridge Technicians?"

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the Command Center, Yuan stared at Kuchinawa's empty seat.

"Colette, where's Kuchinawa?"

"Oh, um. He said something about exacting revenge on the woman who destroyed his home town and killed his family."

"Uh-huh." The Sub-Commander picked a handwritten note he had not seen until then.

"Out for revenge. Back in ten."

* * *

"…That's not important right now," the male ninja insisted. "What is important is that we are flying in slow motion. Therefore, you have a lot of time to correct your angle before you land, so – "

"Here! You take over." Sheena hopped over into the passenger seat. With a seductive smile, she patted the driver's chair. Were he not out for revenge on her… Anyway, Kuchinawa climbed into the front seat. In doing so, he tilted the wheel. Somehow that caused the entire vehicle to spin sideways in the air.

"This just got interesting," he remarked, fastening his seat belt.

* * *

Lloyd collapsed onto his bag of swag – which now had SAWG painted onto the burlap – and looked around. After nearly forty-five minutes of looting, Lloyd hadn't encountered a single soul. He'd found a load of gels, money, paint (which he had used for the label), books (which he subsequently lit on fire), and a sandwich. He munched absently on the stolen meal.

Out of the corner of his eye, he thought he saw something - a short girl with pink hair pulled out in large tails. When he sat up to get a better look, a flock of birds fluttered away, drawing his attention. The girl was gone by then.

"Screw you, birds!" He threw the last of his sandwich at the pigeons, only to realize his folly as one of the flying rats swooped down and picked the food out of the air.

Defeated, he flopped back onto his swag. "What did that letter say?" He dug into his pockets and found the letter – the only piece of snail mail ever sent in the last thirteen years. I mean, come on, seriously. One word: E-mail. I refuse to believe that in four years, Japan, of all places will still be using paper mail.

The first letter was from a man named Kratos, who claimed to be his father, and requested his presence in Tokyo-3. The other was a picture of a woman named Sheena, bent forward to emphasize her cleavage. Unfortunately, Lloyd couldn't read Japanese, so he had no idea what the characters on the picture said, but…well, he had nothing better to do.

Off in the distance, he heard an explosion. Curiously, he turned over in that direction. The next thing he saw made him sit up and smile. A blue car was spinning through the air at ultra-slow speeds while a cloud billowed out after them. He swore he could hear the screaming.

* * *

"Three…" Kuchinawa gripped the wheel with both hands and shifted the car between drive, neutral, reverse, and back.

"Two…" Sheena gripped the sides of her chair with enough pressure as to actually puncture the fabric with her nails.

"One…" Corrine ran around furiously across the dashboard screaming, "WE'RE GONNA DIE WE'RE GONNA DIE OH HOLY SHIT WE'RE GONNA DIE!"

The Alpine Renault completed one final rotation just in time for the front wheels to hit the asphalt. Kuchinawa slammed the brakes until the back tires until they hit the ground as well, at which point he hit the accelerator. "I'm pretty sure cars don't work this way, but I don't give a fuck right now!"

The car continued on without trouble. Until they spotted Lloyd sitting on his swag. Everyone screamed as Kuchinawa cranked the wheel sharply to the right and slammed the brakes. The car did a sideways donut around the red-clad teen before physics decided to kick in again and it screeched to a halt.

The passenger-side door opened and Sheena fell out, laughing hysterically. "Dude, that was awesome! I've always wanted to be a stunt driver!"

"You didn't drive!" Kuchinawa shouted, his voice shaking. Visibly, he was on the verge of tears.

"Whatever." She noticed the kid standing over her. "Hey, is your name Lloyd?"

"Give me your name and I shall give you mine."

"Yeah, the Commander said you'd say something like that." With cat-like agility, she was on her feet. "Captain Sheena Fujibayashi, at your service."

"Oh, so you're the one from the picture."

"So you saw?" she asked with a lecherous grin. He was much better looking than in the photos Kratos had showed her. And the ones she found on her own. Much better looking.

"Yeah. Man that was cool! You guys raced that explosion and everything!"

"It was pretty badass, wasn't it?" Kuchinawa was breathing into a paper bag and Corrine had vanished completely. "Pansies. What exploded, anyhow? It just seemed like one happened for no reason."

**Oh, uh, see, a tank fired way off course, and it, uh…yeah. :3**

Overhead, a squad of VTOLS zoomed away. The ground rumbled in a steady rhythm. Over the tops of the buildings, Lloyd saw the hunched shoulders of the Angel. "Whoa!"

Sheena checker he watch. "Damn, we're behind. Hey, Kuchinawa, if you're not going to grow a pair, get out of the driver's seat. Kid," she turned to Lloyd. "I've always wanted to say this: come with me if you want to live."

* * *

"So, is this Kratos guy really my father?"

"Yep. Why?"

"Well, I just always lived with Dirk, so I kind of assumed he was my dad."

"But he's a Dwarf. Don't you watch the Discovery Channel?"

"Yeah, but grow up with him for 14 years and it's hard to think of him as anything else."

"I understand. Igaguri wasn't my real father, but he took me in after he found me in the forest. Ramp!"

The blue Alpine Renault caught some massive air; Lloyd and Sheena screamed in delight. Kuchinawa curled up on the floor of the back seat and whimpered. He could drive crazy – hell, he just outran that slow motion explosion not a few minutes ago. Or was it longer? He studied the effect slow motion action sequences had on time dilation in college, but right now he was having trouble thinking beyond an 'I'm gonna die' level right now.

Unbeknownst to many, but ninjas are actually very well educated, particularly in quantum physics. How else do you think they can avoid detection or kill with a single motion? Kuchinawa's study of time dilation and relativity is actually a fairly common field for ninjas to go into. One of the most important things a ninja can learn to awesome action scenes, preferably those that occur partially in slow motion. The so-called "bullet-time" is skill all ninjas are born with, able to slow down or speed up time in a localized area. The more awesome a particular attack is, the more time slows. Explosions rank nearly at the top as producing the most time dilation. Most ninja skills rank somewhere near the middle, above dramatically spinning around, but below dropping a glass after a dramatic revelation. Going off a ramp ranked fairly low on the chart, unless there was an explosion; there wasn't.

He would have to remember to sync the clocks with the correct time once they returned. If they survived.

The car rocked as it landed. "I guess you'll just have to talk to him when we get there."

"How is he?"

"Er…"

* * *

Bottle of chardonnay in hand, Kratos leaned over the railing of Cage 7. "I say, aren't you a sexy little kitten?"

Unit 01 broke the restraints on its mouth and let out a bestial RRRWAAAAAAWWR.

"Feisty." He poured two glasses.

* * *

"He's alright."

05: I'm sorry, but how is any of this relevant?

The hologram froze.

01: I'm sorry?

05: Well, it's just…you said we would go over the last three Angel battles, but so far we'vre hardly seen Sachiel.

10: Yeah. I mean, I enjoy a good cartoon now and then, but – look I don't really want to be here. Can we speed this along?

04: Fools! This only builds the suspense! We all know Sachiel is going to get his ass kicked, we just _don't know when!_

10: No, I'm pretty sure we do know when.

04: You wanna go, Mole-butt?

10: What? Dude, no I was just –

02: No fighting in my court! Unless I say it's allowed. And I do.

03: Keep it down, you kids! I'm trying to watch the holojigger!

SEELE 01 slammed his head repeatedly on his desk, pressing the Play button by accident.

* * *

"Why did we stop?" Lloyd peered out the window at the mountains.

"Because Kuchinawa needed time to change his pants," Sheena replied disinterestedly.

"Shut up!"

"No! Be a real ninja and grow a pair! Crazy-ass stunts like we just pulled shouldn't even faze you."

"I don't think driving the car off the side of the roadway and landing three terraces down merely for "shits and giggles" counts as crazy-ass stunts! That crosses into suicidally insane!" He was raving now, waving his hands wildly though the air even when not speaking.

Sheena produced a pair of binoculars from her bra and leaned over Lloyd and out the window. "I don't think 'suicidally is a word. Look, see? That little red zigzag line is underneath it."

"You're missing the point! Aaaahhhh!" He gripped the back of Sheena's seat and started shaking it violently, almost spastically.

"Whatever." Sheena's position afforded Lloyd an excellent view of her breasts. Obviously she was doing that on purpose. Unfortunately for her, Lloyd was an idiot.

"Nice binoculars! Can I see?"

"No." She scanned the mountaintops looking for… "Aha. There's the bastard." The Angel, Sachiel moved with lazy intent across the countryside, on a direct route to Tokyo-3. Ever so slowly, it vanished behind the mountains. "Oh crap. There's an N2 Mine planted there – get down!"

Sheena seized Lloyd and covered him with her body –basically shoving his face into her chest. Kuchinawa was frothed at the mouth and continued to shake the seat. Moments later, the area was drenched in a terrible light, like a second sun born behind the mountains. Kuchinawa barely had time to think _Ooh, pretty_ before the shockwave rolled the car over. And over. And over. Finally it landed on its side in the dirt. In the chaos, Lloyd had somehow been thrown out of the car and landed on his ass a dozen feet away. Kuchinawa had been thrown forward and now replaced Lloyd as having his face in Sheena's chest.

"What the – Kuchinawa!"

"…I don't hate this."

Moments later, he was thrown from the vehicle and landed on his face beside Lloyd. Faintly, he heard her whisper, "That spot is reserved for Lloyd."

"How're you feeling, Kuchinawa?" Lloyd asked.

"Sane."

"That's good."

Sheena tumbled out of the overturned car. "Well, don't just stand there, you idiots! Come help me flip this car!" Sighing, the two men obeyed the call of their demon driver.

When it was right side up again, they all resumed their original seats. Kuchinawa had regained his sanity during the explosion and was sitting rather at ease in the back. Lloyd twiddled his thumbs in the passenger seat while Sheena casually steered down the mountain. She seemed to see something in her rear view mirror.

"We're not gonna make it." The brief silence that passed was just long enough for them to realize exactly what that meant. Calmly, Kuchinawa slid from his seat and curled up on the floor. Lloyd braced himself with one hand on the ceiling, and the other on the dashboard. On cue, Sheena veered to the left and smashed through the guardrail, sending the Alpine off the side of the mountain.

"It's a shortcut, I promise!"

* * *

The female figure climbed up out of the coolant, having thoroughly inspected the portions of Unit 01 that were submerged. Regular inspections were important because…uh, just because. Got to make sure the giant armored cyborg continued to operate in top shape right? I guess, considering the damn thing had never been used. Ever. …Eh, I'll quit now, while Eva 01's eyes are only glaring slightly at me.

The female hoisted herself up onto the edge of the platform and removed the breathing mask, spitting out a small amount of the coolant. Off came the flippers and the head portion of the wetsuit, revealing long silver-blond hair. Uncertainly, she looked over at her supervisor.

"Very good," Raine said. "Now the rest."

* * *

"Did you guys hear that?"

"What, Lloyd?"

The teen looked around uncertainly. "Sounded like a woman screaming."

Sheena and Kuchinawa exchanged a look. "Probably Raine's newest assistant," the male ninja said carefully.

Sheena sighed. "She already went through the last one that quick?"

"Poor choice of words."

The elevator slid to a halt before Lloyd could ask any further question – not that he was going to; Kuchinawa's comment had thoroughly disturbed him – and the door slid open, revealing a tall, half-elven woman. She was probably the only one remotely dressed for her job. Underneath her orange vest, were a white button up and black pants. Not that anyone seemed to care.

"Hello, Sheena. Kuchinawa."

The two ninjas nodded their greeting. "What was that we heard?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

They shivered.

"Is this the Third Child?"

"Who the hell do you think he is?" Sheena deadpanned. Then, "He better be. We just raced across two cities, outraced an explosion in slow motion, and nearly got trampled by the Angel. Kuchinawa nearly had a heart attack."

"I did not!"

Raine sighed. "Can I see your hand, Lloyd?"

"Sure." He instinctively held up his right hand – the hand with the Exsphere embedded in it.

"Hm. This seems right. Ok, just had to make sure. Welcome to NERV, Lloyd Irving."

He grinned. "Hey, thanks! What is it you guys do here?"

Raine raised an eyebrow. "Did you read the folder they sent you?"

Folder? Lloyd thought back to the pile of books he burned earlier. He vaguely remembered tossing something with the NERV logo onto the top of the pyre. Boy did that thing burn – oh crap. He left it burning, didn't he? That means someone will be coming home to find their couch on fire.

"No," he answered honestly. "Reading is for losers and the British."

"Just as well. Everything in there is a complete load. The real good stuff is classified."

After a moment, Sheena asked, "Why do we even make those?"

Silence passed uncomfortably as the lift continued downward. The door opened and they filed into a dark room. It was Sheena who asked, "What the hell?"

"Behold," Raine announced. "The ultimate weapon of humanity! And elven and half-elven and dwarven! The cybernetic life-form known as – " the light clicked on, revealing a large, purple visage. "Evangelion!" Somehow, Lloyd was positioned exactly in the center of the thing's eyes.

"Was that necessary?" Sheena shot at Raine.

The half-elf scientist shrugged. "I don't get to dramatically reveal things to people that much, so I figured I should ham it up as much as possible now."

Lloyd backed up, admiring the Eva. "Right, right. So…why am I here?"

"You remember that thing that nearly killed us earlier?" Sheena asked.

"You?"

"Besides that."

"The car?"

"Besides _that_!"

Lloyd blinked. "…You again?"

"No! That big think we saw: the Angel."

"Oh yeah. What about it?"

"If it isn't stopped, it's going to kill all of us or something – we're not exactly sure. But we need you to – "

"Pilot the Evangelion!" Raine finished.

Lloyd looked from Raine to Sheena to Kuchinawa. They all nodded; no, this woman wasn't completely insane, we really do need you to pilot this purple robot. "Hm. Do I have to read the instruction manual first?"

"No, I'm afraid there isn't any time."

"Awesome."

"Not so fast!" came a voice from high above the Eva. At first all they could see was a silhouetted figure against a well lit room. Then a wind picked up and scattered rose petals everywhere. Slowly a light illuminated the figure until he was revealed in all his glory. "Hello there, son," Kratos announced.

A beat.

"Oh, so _you're_ my dad."

"Can't you tell by our natural good looks?" Kratos ran a hand through his own hair; he liked it so much he did it again, much slower.

"Sure, I guess." Truthfully, Lloyd couldn't really see Kratos from where he was standing. The Commander was a good two stories overhead and a dozen yards or so back. Even fully illuminated, he just looked like a handsome blur. Still, it seemed best to agree with him.

"You didn't really think Dirk was your father, did you? He's a Dwarf! Haven't you – "

"Haven't I seen the Discovery Channel, yeah. Look, do you want me to pilot this thing or what, because I'm pretty sure that Angel whatever thing is on its way here."

"Hm? Oh right – that's what we do here. Yeah. Raine, get him into the cockpit." He was about to vanish mysteriously when something caught his eye. "What's that bag? The one by the wall?"

"My swag," Lloyd answered without missing a beat."

* * *

Thoroughly pissed off at being hit with an N2 Mine, Sachiel marched through the empty streets of Tokyo-3. _Man, they even made me have to grow a new face…thing. And it itches! They say I shouldn't scratch at it while it's healing, but it's so itchyyyyy! I really could use something to take my RAGE out on!_

Right on time, Evangelion Unit 01 was hoisted up through the access elevator. Directly in front of Sachiel.

_Oh, you'll do nicely_.

"The water smells like blood." Lloyd complained.

Sheena answered over the radio. "Two things. One: it's LCL not blood. Two: shut up and deal with it."

"Hey look it's that thing from before."

"It's an Angel, Lloyd," Sheena answered levelly. "You know: the think that almost killed us."

"Your car?"

"…"

"Where'd Raine go? I thought she was supposed to be talking me through this or something?"

"She's having an episode right now."

* * *

"OH MY GOD DO YOU SEE THAT THING? WHAT A MARVELOUS PIECE OF EVOLUTION! LOOK AT IT. OH MY ARE HOSE GILLS? WHAT WOUL IT NEED GILLS FOR …UNLESS – OF COURSE! IT CAME FROM THE SEA, SO IT MUST BE AMPHIBIOUS! IT HAS TWO HEADS? NO, ONE IS DAMAGED, SO IT MUST BE TRYING TO REGROW A NEW ONE! OH MY THE CORE! THE CORE THE CORE THE CORE! I NEED TO STUDY THAT RIGHT AWAY! I WONDER WHAT THAT BONE PROTruding from the baaaaaaack ooooffff theeeeee aaaarmmmsss…" Raine wobbled on her feet before falling forward onto the main console, narrowly avoiding Colette.

Kratos surreptitiously stashed the blowgun away in his breast pocket and folded his hands in front of his face. "Just as planned."

* * *

"Eh. Looks Like I'll be your contact for now, okay ?"

"Can you just tell me how to kill that thing over there?"

"Let's start slow. Try and make it walk."

"How?"

"I don't fucking know! I've never driven a giant robot before. Raine is the only person who can help you right now, but she's drooling on the linoleum."

"I'll figure it out." Lloyd looked around. "Hm. Those must be the leg controls, and these must be the arms…so ALL FORWARD!" Lloyd depressed both pedals and thrust both hand controls forward. Eva 01 lurched forwards as though it were a rag doll a giant tossed aside.

Sachiel blinked as the robot flew its way.

_Oh crap._

The two giants tumbled through the streets before landing with Eva 01 on top of Sachiel. "That was awesome!" Lloyd exclaimed.

"The core, Lloyd! Hit the core!"

"The what?"

"The fucking red ball thing poking out of its chest!"

But before Lloyd could react, Sachiel seized Unit 01 and tossed it away like yesterday's burnable garbage. Angrily it jumped to its feet and sent a fricken eye blast in Lloyd's direction, but overshot it. The harbor went up in a pink cross-shaped explosion.

_Hm. That should have hit him. Althought I'm still seeing through BOTH of my heads, so I guess it makes sense that my aim is a little wonky. Oh well, I got time. I've got all the time in the OHHOLYSHIT!_

Unit 01 jumped onto Sachiel's back, holding on by wrapping its legs around the Angel's middle and throwing both arms over the shoulders. Everyone in the Command Center could swear they heard Lloyd shout "EAGLE!" before jumping.

* * *

Sheena held the radio out in front of her face and shouted into it, "Lloyd! The knife! In the left shoulder pylon is the progressive knife!"

"The what in the what?"

"Grr. In the right shoulder thingy in a knife thing that can glow and vibrate and pierce Sachiel's core!"

Richter blinked at her. "Can vibrate and pierce?"

"Oh shut up."

* * *

Eva 01 retrieved the deployed progressive knife and jammed it into the Core. Sparks flew everywhere as the Angel thrashed against its attacker. Lloyd, however, was the master of Surprise Back Sneak Attack Eagle Jump Strikes! On an unrelated not, he was also very bad at naming his attacks.

Feeling its time was done, Sachiel reached back and grabbed Eva by the shoulder pylons. _Fuck it. If I'm going down, I'm taking you with me._ The entire body of the Angel turned to rubber and wrapped around the Eva. The core and its eyes flashed with power.

Lloyd had just enough time to exclaim, "What the fu – " **BOOM!

* * *

**

SEELE 01 paused the hologram. Against his better judgment, he un-muted the other monoliths. Very much to his surprise, he was met with silence. He took advantage of the quiet to apply a cream to the large bruise on his forehead. The desk now possessed a deep indentation exactly the shape of his head. In the forehead vs. desk showdown of the century, the desk came out the loser. But it was a pyrrhic victory.

10: I'm pretty sure it didn't happen that way.

01: What?

10: The fight. I don't remember any of that.

05: Agreed. My memory recalls the battle in a much different manner.

01: That's impossible. This recording is generated from every surveillance device present in the city at the time of the assault, as well as three orbiting satellites, and the second hand account of a mentally disabled hobo. There's no way it's wrong.

11: Seriously! What happened to the head-piercing? And the blood! What about the ten thousand gallons of pressurized blood spewing forth from its head?

10: I don't remember that either, though.

11: Hey shut up!

07: Where is Aska?

03: I don't know where I am.

SEELE 01 wasn't paying attention, thankfully. He was examining the hologram generator. Curiously, he found two extraneous cords that didn't seem to connect to anything. And that's when he noticed the logos: SEELE 02, and SEELE 04. It took about three seconds to realize what had happened. He gave the cords a quick tug.

02: Hey what gives?

04: Are you trying to screw me up, four-arms?

02: As if I require cheating in order to deliver a most satisfactory beatdown unto your ass!

04: You still did it!

02: I said I didn't need, to, not that I wouldn't.

01: Did you two hack into the hologram and use it as a game console?"

02: …

04: …Maybe.

01: Uh-huh.

He disconnected the cords.

01: Thanks to that ungodly waste of time we're moving right along. Right after 12 gives you the short summary of the ACTUAL battle, mmkay?

12: So…there was…like these two…things…one was…purple…

SEELE 01 switched off the speakers to his room and reclined in his chair. He had a good three or four hours in which to get some beauty sleep.

* * *

**So you're all spared three hours of wheezing (and because I feel the need to explain some things) we're going to skip right to the end of the speech. Everything about that battle happened the same way as was described, except that when Sachiel tossed Eva 01, he did the whole 'lance of light though the eye' thing. **_**Then**_** Lloyd did the flying Eagle attack strike…thing.

* * *

**

"Aim the cannon downward!"

The barrel of the tank rotated to point directly at the ground.

"Fire!"

The tank jolted up a bit in the air and flipped over so that the treads were flat. Up ahead, the metropolis of Tokyo-3 sprawled out before them. A large cross-shaped explosion shot up near the center of the city.

"Sir, we're approaching Tokyo-3. At this rate, we'll land just off shore."

Sarge chomped down on his cigar.

"I love it when a plan comes together."


	5. The Flashback Strikes Back!

**Tales of Evangelion **

**Chapter 5: The Flashback Strikes Back!**

* * *

SEELE 01 awoke several hours later refreshed. That might have been the best sleep he'd had in a long time. Being 4000 years old (and an angel) sort of eliminated the need for sleep – and feeling, and eating, **and talking OH GOD if he would stop talking**, but anyway – so when he did manage to catch a few winks, he enjoyed it. Sleeping cleansed him of his worries most times, allowing him awake with a clear head and calm mind. This had been one of those sleeps. Peaceful. Like a cat, he stretched his arms and arched his back; he kept his eyes closed to savor the moment for as long as possible. It was only when the overpowering stench of rabies filled his nostrils did he dare open his eyes a crack – and then immediately shut them tightly.

A large squirrel sat at his desk and watched him, tail flicking back and forth – back and forth like a chronometer (**That's a clock for the less intelligent of you readers; SEELE 01 likes fancy things with fancy names. It's a sickness, I know**).

His entire office was filled with squirrels.

Fucking squirrels.

They seemed to all sense that he had awakened because they all stood up on their hind legs and _stared_ at him with their horrible little ringed eyes. SEELE 01 glanced around cautiously. "Uh, nice doggies?"

The squirrels bared their teeth and attacked.

All of the other SEELE members were busy doing other things at the time. Over all of their radios came the strangest sentence they had ever heard. "Confound these wretched rodents! For one I fling away, a dozen more vex me!"

11: I wonder if he got our present?

09: …

10: My thoughts exactly.

01: Get OUT of my hair! I just had it straightened!

04: Doesn't sound like it.

06: He doesn't sound all that grateful. We think we should try again.

01: No, no, no, not there!

10: You guys wanna…give him the second half?

05: I think that would be appropriate.

03: What's that now?

08: Squawk!

02: Let's do it, motherfuckers!

10: Press the button, 12.

12: Ver….y…well…

04: Oh man, this'll be good.

Once the button was pressed, the ceiling of SEELE 01's office shuddered and two trap doors swung downward. Seconds later, a mass of squirrels poured out of the ceiling. Lots of them. Just a crazy amount of squirrels.

01: SDFGRGRBDLOEO;SDNHBW;NB IRPL NWETI;LBEW[OTBNETIOB NEI; !

02: Now if you all don't mind I will be assuming control of this meeting.

10: Just roll the tape so we can go home.

02: Super…Awesome…Tape…Pressing…POWER!

09: …

Everyone sighed as the hologram flickered to life again.

* * *

"…Lloyd. Lloyd Irving, wake up!" Sheena delivered a sharp kick to the sleeping bozo's gut, hard enough to actually lift him off the ground and throw him against the wall. In the other room, Pen Pen watched as the thin wall bulged outward, leaving a nicely shape profile indentation. He studied it for a minute before returning to his fish.

Lloyd fell away from the wall, completely dressed. Sheena eyed him suspiciously. Wait, did he sleep in his clothes? _And_ his scabbards? You know what? She decided she didn't really care. "Get up. It's time for school."

"Aw, do I have to?" Lloyd massaged the right side of his face, picking a splinter out with a wince.

The ninja folded her arms and scowled. "I'm going to say the same thing I've said to you for the last two weeks – "

"Shut up and take your shirt off?"

"No. The other - "

"Pants?"

"No – you're going to school if I have to drag you there myself."

Lloyd stood up at full height. "I'd like to see you try."

The next time Pen Pen looked up from his fish, the apartment was filled with the sounds of combat. Windows shattered, doors broke, cats screeched – the whole nine yards. Also there was another ninja sitting across from the warm water penguin. Kuchinawa cracked a beer and reclined.

"Is this a bad time?" he asked the amphibious avian. **I'm in one of those moods where I like to use big words. Shut up don't judge me.**

"Wark!"

"Yeah, I thought so." He drank through his facemask. "But Yuan's keeping a close eye on me these days so I might as well make the best of it. He drew his sword and got to his feet, which was kind of awkward considering he was reclining. He nearly sliced the table in half and knocked his head on the beer dispenser/refrigerator.

Pen Pen slurped a fish in a way that said, _I saw that, but I won't embarrass you by pointing it out. I will, however, stash this picture away for use later on – that's right, I have a camera. And I blackmail. You got a problem? I didn't think so._

"Hello. My name is Kuchinawa. You killed my ENTIRE VILLAGE. Prepare to die."

"Kuchinawa? What the hell are you doing here?"

"I just told you, I – "

"Alright! Now it's a rumble!"

"Wha - OHHOLYCRAP!" Lloyd crabbed him by his collar and pulled him into the fight.

Pen Pen finally got up from the table to find a place to enjoy his fish in peace. He waddled over into the living room and plopped himself down in front of the television. With a single retractable claw, he turned it on. He was just in time for the six o'clock news.

The intro music was nearly drowned out by the crashing in the other room, so Pen Pen turned up the volume.

Two anchors were sitting at the news desk, a man and a woman.

"Hello," said the man. "Welcome to the six o'clock news. I'm Mike Honcho."

The woman shot him a strange look. "And I'm Jasmine Tully."

It was kind of weird that both news anchors where American.

"The biggest story today: the massive damage caused by the Angel attack several weeks ago continues to be a problem for cleanup crews. Not only was a good portion of the countryside destroyed, but so was about half of the central bloc." Mike turned to Jasmine. "I mean seriously. Couldn't they get someone competent to pilot that robot?"

Unfazed, Jasmine replied, "According to credible sources, they had a seventeen year-old kid in the cockpit."

Mike stifled a giggle at the word 'cockpit'. "A seven-? What, seriously? This is fucking JAPAN! Aren't they supposed to have like a shitton of people able to pilot giant robots here?"

"Isn't that a little offensive, Mike?"

"I don't give a crap. They've kept us on the air this long, haven't they?" Uncomfortable silence. "Right, well, let's go to the field with – "

* * *

10: Look, I hate to be "that guy" but how is any of this important? I mean, all we care about are the Angel fights –

05: And Jet Alone

11: Nobody care about Jet Alone!

10: - so why are we wasting time with this crap?

SEELE 02 considered this for a moment, weighing his options. In the end, he did what he thought was best, which, consequently, was exactly what 01 would have done. He pressed the mute button for 10. Or rather, he pressed a red circle drawn (crudely) on his desk that had "Mute" written on it. In his mind, he imagined the monolith changing from "Sound Only" to "Muted".

Well, he actually imagined all of the monoliths except his exploding spectacularly before him – that way nobody would ever question his rule as King of the Summon Spirits! Oh, and SEELE I guess.

Alas, he had no controls. At all.

10: I'm waiting for an answer.

02: I can't hear you, you're muted.

10: …What.

02: I turned off your sound. I can't hear you – nobody can hear you.

10: You didn't turn me off. I don't think you even have that ability.

02: LALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALALALALA

05: Let's…let's just continue.

* * *

Sometime during the fighting, Lloyd got bored and left for school. Which was weird since he was still dressed in his red train-conductor outfit and had both swords tied to his…waist? I don't have a picture with me at the moment, but I'm pretty sure Lloyd doesn't wear a belt. Which means that his sword scabbards are held up by nothing. So I guess magnetic weapons. Isn't that a trope? Probably.

**Correction, I'm apparently an idiot and both of his swords do indeed have belts. Lopsided belts, but belts nonetheless. However I am not deleting that last paragraph, even thought it took more time to type out THIS paragraph than to delete THAT one. Why? Fuck you, that's why.**

**Also, the trope I was looking for was Sticks to the Back.**

**Whatever. Story time or something.**

…

**Ah, fuck, where was I?**

Genis Sage crossed his arms and scowled. Not an angry scowl, not one that arises from a situation turning out for the worst. Nor was it a scowl that indicated a train of angry thoughts parading through his mind. No, this was a scowl that simply was. There was no beginning and there was no end; not even the edges of his mouth. This scowl continued on into infinity, surpassing the limitations of facial muscles. Even this increasingly long paragraph fails to capture the sheer _ness_ of his scowl.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, Genis was in a good mood.

"What are you scowling about this time, Genis?" Emil Castagnier asked, ever the dutiful friend, in something of a wuss.

"I haven't decided yet. I was going to say something about your hair, but that seems a little too overdone."

"My…my hair?" Emil protectively shielded his blond head from Genis's insults.

"Well, I mean…it's that one piece." He pointed accusingly at the rather large lock of hair that stood damn near straight up on his head. "That one fucking piece! I just want to rip it out of your goddamn head like a weed – like the only weed in an otherwise pristine and perfect cassava garden!"

**I mean seriously, what is that thing held up with? He must have like a bucket of hair gel he applies everyday because there's no other reason for it to defy gravity like that. Aside from, you know, it just simply is. But that's lame.**

Genis stopped himself short – and by short, I mean climbing over his desk and holding Emil down with one hand while he yanked the hair with all his might – of violently removing the hair piece. "Ahem. Like I said, too overdone."

"Um…so, what…are you scowling at now?" Emil massaged his head, deliberately ignoring the few strands of hair that the half-elf managed to pull loose.

"The new kid," he replied with absolute conviction. "I mean, what kind of kid dresses like that? What kind of person wears a pair of scabbards to school and gets away with it?"

"To be fair, Genis, we're not exactly ones to talk. I mean, you're basically wearing pajamas."

"They are quite comfy," he agreed, hugging himself (still scowling mind you).

"Marta has that…thing on her wrist." There was a scuffing of feet, a scraping of desks and a mysterious cloud of dust as Marta Lualdi dove into the picture, sliding headfirst across the tile floor and wrapped her arms tightly around Emil's leg, her face in a wide smile, complete with Cute Little Fangs.

"Hi, Marta."

"Hi guys." She was just happy to be included in the conversation.

"And I'm dressed like this," he swept his hands downward to include his entire ridiculous getup, a gesture that required no further explanation, "and have a giant serrated knife in a an equally giant sheath on the back of my waist, which honestly, doesn't make a lot of sense. I mean look at this!" He reached around to grasp the handle. "Do you see how awkward this is? I have to suddenly become double jointed in order to pull this fucking thing out!"

The swords snapped out of the scabbard suddenly, throwing Emil off balance. He was kept upright only because Marta weighed him down. Even so, he managed to cut the nearest desk into neat halves.

"Oh come on!" came the desperate plea to the uncaring universe from a disheartened student from across the room. "Again?"

Emil hastily sheathed his sword and whistled casually.

"No. No fucking way! Saw you this time, you maniac!" The angry student stormed their way, completely ignoring the fact that Emil had a giant fucking sword that just cut his damn desk in two. No, he deserves a good beating. There's no way he'll pull that sword out again.

"Fireball!" Genis waved his candelabra-and-ball (**Oh **_**excuse**_** me, it's a Kendama) **around and summoned a fireball, which impacted the boy in the chest and sent him flying across the room while somehow managing to not so much as singe his clothing. Physics are weird.

"That's quite enough," wheezed the aging professor – seriously, this guy must like ninety – as he shuffled in. "No fighting in class. Genis, Emil, stay after class for detention." Because I guess teachers do that – I wouldn't know. I WAS A GOOD STUDENT.

Emil took his seat with a sigh. Genis picked his nose absently.

* * *

**Hm, strange. I thought this chapter was going to be about Lloyd, but I guess not. Oh well, enjoy Genis and Emil.

* * *

**

"What the hell are we doing?"

Emil stopped mopping the chalkboard and considered the situation. "I don't really know."

Genis also ceased slamming the erasers against the desk. Lloyd, however, continued to polish the globe.

"And what the hell are you doing here, new kid?"

"Me?" Lloyd looked up. "I dunno. Something about plot necessity."

Genis turned very slowly to his left, looking past Emil, past the chalkboard, past the school, indeed past reality itself. I could feel his eyes burn with hatred as he said to me, "Are you fucking serious."

"Look," I replied. "I don't feel like having Lloyd hit Emil. I think this is a much better way for you to become friends."

"Like hell I'm going to be friends with this idiot!"

_Which is weird, because I think Asuka says something similar in the first chapter_, I thought to myself as I typed this very sentence.

"Well, tough because this is a flashback and you're already friends with him in the future/present. So deal with it. You're all going to get pizza. Or something." Very quickly the situation was escaping my control. I had to assert order back to the fictional world before reality start tearing itself apart. I guess.

* * *

**That's when I saved the document and walked away for a bit.

* * *

**

"So, want to ditch this place and get food or something?" Lloyd asked the two classmates.

"Sure," Emil replied cheerfully, checking one last time to make sure the chalkboard was thoroughly mopped before hurling the mop out the window.

"Fine," Genis conceded, casting a glance my way. Defeated, he tossed the erasers over his shoulder. They landed vertically on top of the bookshelf.

Lloyd simply kicked the globe into the teacher's chair.

The three left.

* * *

**If that section made any sense to you…get help.

* * *

**

Lloyd, Genis, and Emil were in the middle of a pizza when a pink blur smashed through the window. Most of the patrons screamed and dove out of the way, but the three boys just sat there with food halfway in their mouths. A rather large shard of glass landed on Lloyd's slice and he waffled on exactly what to do about it before Genis smacked it out of his hands, remarking, "Don't be an idiot."

Obviously he has a lot to learn about Lloyd.

Presea Combatir dusted uncurled herself and dusted the glass from her shoulders. "Lloyd Irving?"

"Hi, Presea. What's up? Want some pizza?"

"Yes, thank you." In true Loony Tunes style, she carefully removed one slice before taking the entire rest of the pie and consuming it in three bites. Considering each of the boys was still on their first piece, it amounted to about half a pizza. "Now, we have a situation at Nerv."

"Is it Colette again?" Lloyd asked picking his slice off the floor. "What island did she sink this time?"

"Britain," she deadpanned, "but that's not important. And I don't mean the normal level of importance." She pulled him close so that their eyeballs were almost touching. **Isn't that a lovely image?** "I mean dodecatuple secret important."

"Sooooo…an Angel?" Lloyd stuffed the floor pizza into his mouth.

Presea blinked, thinking to herself that Lloyd was possibly the most oblivious idiot she had ever encountered – and she knew Kratos! Actually, now that she thought about it, the apple probably didn't' fall far from the tree. "Yes. That." Without another word she hefted Lloyd over her shoulder and left – by jumping out another window and running down the street in a manner totally not ripped off from _Nobody Dies_.

For several minutes – yes, minutes – no one in the restaurant spoke. They shared a collective "Did that just fucking happen?" without any measurable level of interaction between them all. Very slowly, they arrived at the conclusion that, maybe a little girl with pink hair just leapt through a window, ate half a pizza, kidnapped an older boy, and jumped through another window and ran down the street.

"Emil…I need you to hit me."

Having lost his appetite, Emil dropped his pizza back onto the spotless platter. "What? Why?"

"I think I'm in love, but I'm not sure. Hit me."

"Um…ok." Emil got to his feet and wound his arm back. It was a weak punch, he knew – Genis barely flinched – but hey, he didn't want to hurt his friend. As would become a recurring situation, helping his friend went very badly for Emil. Genis suddenly jumped up in the air and delivered a flying roundhouse kick to his face, sending him careening across the restaurant. He landed on his back in the middle of a couple's date night. They ignored him and continued to suck face over his limp body.

"Sorry – reflex," the half-elf offered unapologetically. "Hm. I still feel the same. Not even hurting Emil did anything. Yep. I'm definitely in love with that insane pink-haired girl who possesses the strength of ten men."

Emil gurgled on the blood pooling in the back of his throat.

* * *

10: FINALLY! Shamshel appears!

03: Shush! Don't spoil the ending!

10: We were there, old man. We saw what happened.

03: Who are you? What are you doing in my house?

05: You forgot about his short-term memory loss, didn't you?

10: Not really. I just don't pay attention to the rest of you.

05: Fair enough.

And then there was a sudden woosh of fire from the direction of 01's monolith. It burned for a few seconds before sputtering out.

11: Did we set a fire trap in his office?

04: Not yet; I hadn't gotten around to it.

12: Then…what…was…that?

02: Excuse me! I am in charge here! I will determine what was and what was not!

06: …Huh?

01: There. All of the raccoons are dead, burned, eliminated. Gone. Forever. Now we can get back to business.

10: Oh boy.

02: Sorry to say, but your services are no longer required in this council. I have assumed direct control of this –

11: Stop, just stop. I know the author hasn't played Mass Effect 2. So please, don't use that quote.

09: …

04: So, um, where were we?

12: I…don't…re…mem…ber…

11: I _did_ remember, but he took so long to talk that I forgot. Something about me, perhaps?

06: No. We think it has something to do with –

01: EXCUSE ME I WAS ATTACK BY A HORDE OF RACCOONS.

05: Oh yeah; we were there. Heh.

08: Squawk!

02: Hey you kids, get off my lawn!

01: Let's…let's just continue.

* * *

"Looks like a penis."

Everyone turned to stare at Sheena, who turned bright red.

"What? It does?"

More stares.

"Excuse me; I'm going to get a drink."

Yuan and Raine exchanged a look before turned back to the large holographic display. It showed the Fourth Angel, Shamshel coming in from the ocean and making landfall at Odawara.

"Looks like the JSSDF is pulling back," Raine said. "As are the UN forces. They aren't going to keep trying much longer."

"Honestly," Yuan sighed, "I would have given up after the first one."

Right on cue, Richter spun around in his seat. "All forces have retreated. They are demanding you launch an Eva."

A vein bulged on Raine's forehead. "I have half a mind to keep them in just because they asked us. Smug bastards, thinking they can order us around."

The Vice Commander cleared his throat. "Um, actually they can."

"That's just what we want them to think." Kratos's command platform rose up from the floor.

"No, that's what they…what?"

"Precisely. Professor Sage understands, isn't that right?"

"Absolutely, Commander."

Yuan sighed. He felt someone press a cool can into his hand. The person was Sheena; the can was beer. Hers was already half drained.

"Is Lloyd at least getting ready?"

Kratos nodded and brought it up on the big screen. Yuan's jaw dropped. "Oh what the f –"

* * *

"Cool."

Lloyd grinned at the sight of Unit 01 with the new equipment – Type L. Two progressive swords hung in sheaths at her hips.

Presea tilted her head. "I don't feel emotion, but suddenly I am afraid."

* * *

"When did we make those?" Yuan demanded.

"Last week," Kuchinawa responded offhandedly. "After we cleaned up the mess from – no wait, that hasn't happened yet. We're still in a flashback."

A beat. Yuan drank deeply from the can. "So last week, huh?"

"Yep," Colette agreed. "It's basically just a large progressive knife. Really all the trouble was convincing the UN to let us make them."

"And how did we manage that?"

"We threatened to give Colette the coordinates to all the world's major cities and leave her alone in here for five minutes." Richter made a point of not looking at the Vice Commander as he spoke.

Yuan's can crunched in his grip, spilling beer over his hand. "Is _that_ why Britain vanished?"

"Sadly, no."

"That one was an accident," she giggled.

* * *

04: Are we certain we don't want to destroy them? I mean, they sank Britain _on accident._

01: Quite certain. We require them to defeat the Angels.

10: Wait a minute. Aren't _we_ the ones sending the Angels at them?

01: Yes, what's your point? Do I need to show you the list again?

10: No, I mean… We're sending the Angels to their deaths. That's kinda sick, isn't it?

01: Obviously you've never had underlings before. Sending them to their deaths comes with the job.

02: Like what I'm trying to do with the rest of you.

09: …

* * *

While all of that was going on, the citizens of Tokyo-3 were busy being evacuated to their shelters, which were located somewhere safe apparently. But I doubt the integrity of the shelters - although I think that was sort of the point in the series as well. They make people feel good about the Angel attacks.

Anyway, it was in one of these shelters of dubious safety that Emil and Genis (and the rest of their class, I guess) was herded.

"It's not fair," Genis muttered. Mind you, this wasn't the first time he had said this since coming down here. He repeated this phrase every couple of minutes until Emil finally asked him what he was talking about. "My sister helped build the giant robot that's going to be fighting and destroying our city – and I don't even get to see it!"

"I don't…think that's – "

"Man, I should be out there watching. Or at least down with Nerv."

Emil decided that arguing with him would just result in another flying roundhouse to the face. And he still couldn't see straight from the last one.

"I've got a plan."

How Emil hated those words.

"Hey, Class Rep!"

Marta looked over.

"We both have to go to the bathroom."

"We do?" Emil whispered, he voice full of panic.

"Yes, now shut your face."

Marta raised an eyebrow. "Together? Isn't that a little…gay?"

"Look," Genis said levelly. "The Angel is basically a giant penis. This chapter can't get a whole lore more homoerotic than that."

"Hm, good point. Go ahead."

The other girl she was talking to watched the boys leave and said, "You're really just going to let them go? Weren't they acting a little suspicious?"

"Probably. But my head is too full of Genis/Emil slashfiction right now."

"Yeah…"

* * *

**Excuse me, I'm going to go set fire to my eyeballs with a Zippo lighter.

* * *

**

"Was it necessary for us to actually go to the restroom instead of just sneaking out?" Emil relieved himself while eyeing the suspicious urinal beside him that read "Out of Order". It looked as if nobody had cleaned it in quite a while. Did break down and then nobody cleaned it, or did the janitor just get lazy one day and put that sign up so he didn't have to clean it?

"Shut up. I had to go."

Flush.

Literally two feet from the bathroom was the emergency exit. And there was no alarm wired to it. It was just a regular old door. They pushed it open and found themselves on top of some hill on the outskirts of the city.

"A perfect place to watch a giant robot battle," he announced. "I even brought sandwiches."

"Didn't we just eat pizza?"

Genis smacked him upside the head. "You don't get one, then."

"Aw…"

* * *

Unit 01 rode the launch system up to street level with Lloyd shouting WEEEEE the whole time. As soon as it reached the top, he kicked the side of the elevator off and charged outside, drawing both progressive swords in the same motion. Confused, Shamshel transformed into its battle mode by standing up like a flying cobra.

"Demon Fang!" Lloyd swiped one sword along the ground, sending a shockwave at the Angel. The shockwave tore up the street and the buildings it passed through.

"Lloyd!" Sheena screamed into the radio. "Don't tear up the city so quickly! We just finished the repairs from last time."

"Huh? I thought that was how I win the game. Oh wait, is this not Rampage?"

"THIS IS NOT A VIDEO GAME!"

Everyone sort of stopped and glanced at Sheena.

"Er, I mean, uh…just don't blow everything up, ok?"

"No promises." Immediately thereafter, Lloyd drop-kicked an apartment complex.

Presea studied the monitor. "He is a bigger idiot that I had originally deduced."

Sheena snorted. "Just you wait, kid. It gets worse."

Onscreen, Shamshel caught Unit 01 by the leg and flung him away. It might have been their imagination, but it seemed like Lloyd was screaming "Eagle!" in delight the entire time. Nah, couldn't have been.

* * *

"Genis." Emil poked his friend gently in the back of the head. "Genis."

"Go away."

"Genis," he insisted, poking harder.

"Stop it, Emil. Seriously."

"Genis! Genis Genis Genis Genis!" Each word was accompanied by a poke.

"What? What the fuck do you want?"

Emil pointed up into the sky. "We're going to die."

Unit 01 appeared overhead.

"Well, why didn't you say so sooner?"

Closer…

"I tried but you wouldn't listen!"

Closer…

"You need to learn to be more assertive!"

Too close!

"Whenever I do you hit me!"

"Hi, guys. What are you doing out here?"

"M-Marta! What are you - ?"

BLAM!

* * *

"Did we just commit manslaughter on three civilians?" Sheena asked far too casually.

Richter pressed a few buttons on his console. "Possibly."

"They're sacrifice will not be in vain. Send flowers to their families."

"I'M RIGHT HERE YOU KNOW!" Raine shouted.

Kuchinawa put an arm around her shoulders. "I'm truly sorry for your loss."

She slapped his arm away. "Genis is fine. Get back to work."

* * *

Sure enough, Marta, Genis and Emil somehow escaped a rather bloody death via giant-cyborg-crushing by having cowered in the exact position as to slip though the space between Unit 01's fingers. That kind of thing only happens in cartoons and shit. Whatever. They survived.

"Oh, uh, hey," Emil waved nervously.

Genis slapped his hand away. "Idiot, don't bring attention to us."

Unit 01 sat up and ejected the Entry Plug. The hatch opened and Lloyd leaned out and waved frantically. "Hey guys, wanna go for a sweet rise in my giant robot?"

The three shared a look. "Sure, why not?"

Genis was first up the ladder, despite Marta's insistence on ladies first. If she was first, he said, then Emil would be able to look right up her skirt. She blushed and smacked Emil, calling him a pervert. Never mind the fact that she was not wearing a skirt, nor that she would absolutely have loved if Emil looked up her skirt. Man, she's a strange one isn't she?

Anyway, being first up meant Genis was first in the LCL. He barely had time to complain before Emil and Marta tumbled in after him. Then the hatch shut and the plug retracted back into the neck of the Eva. And the thing filled up once again.

"Don't worry guys," Lloyd assured them. "You can breathe this stuff. See?"

"How?" Emil asked.

Lloyd turned around and fixed Emil with a look. "Really? We're in the cockpit of a giant robot thing, fighting a monstrosity from who knows where, over a city that can pull buildings underground, and you choose to question liquid breathing?"

"…Right, I'll stop talking now."

* * *

"Did he just let three unauthorized personnel into the Entry Plug?" Raine demanded.

Sheena rubbed the bridge of her nose. "Maybe. Why? Is that bad?"

"The other children's brain waves could mess with the psychograph thingie! Look at Colette's screen!" Colette rolled her chair out of the way. "See? That many squiggly lines can't be good."

Up in his command seat, Kratos watched the scene impassively.

"Sir, we could order your son to kick the others out if we need to." The Commander made no indication he had heard him. "Sir?"

"Yuan…I am so fucking stoned right now…I don't even know what's going on."

* * *

Eva Unit 01, now with three extraneous minds in its plug, got to its feet to face the Angel and its terrifying whips of light! Well, not all that terrifying. In fact, the thing looked rather harmless. Sachiel looked even more terrifying, but he got his ass taken down without major casualties or something. I don't know. The hologram recording was tampered with thanks to Seele, so I really have no idea.

04: Hey, don't look at me!

02: Yeah it was me. What of it? YOU WANNA GO MOTHERFUCKER? I'll take you AND your pansy-ass "real world" on with three arms tied behind my back? Why? Because I'm the goddamn king of the Summon Spirits, that's why!

09: Dude…who are you talking to?

02: …No one important.

* * *

**Heh heh heh.

* * *

**

Lloyd gripped the controls intently. "Alright guys, we need to take this guy out in one shot because the power cable got snapped just now and I have only a minute for some reason when I'm supposed to have five."

Marta spoke first: "Spin around really fast until you get dizzy and throw up!"

Then Genis: "Whatever you do, make sure it comes from the heart!"

And last, Emil: "Just give up; there's no way you can win."

Lloyd grimaced. "Wrong fanfiction, guys. Guess I'm on my own." And so he sat there, thinking. And thinking. Then his head started to hurt from all that thinking. So he started daydreaming. And in that mysteriously hazy daydream – there were dragons, and talking peanuts, and a particularly emotional cinderblock – he had an idea. "That's it."

As Shamshel advanced, Lloyd performed what was quite possibly the greatest attack ever. Besides Psi Tempest. That one is just great – maybe I'll save that for Israfel. No, he got a firm grip on both swords, and jumped hundreds of feet straight up. "Rising Falcon!" For no conceivable reason, Unit 01 was able to suddenly change the direction of its fall and angle towards Shamshel with both progressive swords pointed towards it.

_What the – HOLY SHIT AAAAH!_

The swords cut clear through the Angel's head and shattered the core in the process. Unit 01 landed just as the timer ran out, leaving it frozen the way it landed: partially crouched with her arms splayed out behind her like wings sort of. It's a bad description, but I'm writing this with the idea that you guys have played the game and know what I'm talking about. I won't pander to the rest of you. You want to know what I'm talking about? Go look it up.

* * *

"That was…awesome," Sheena decided. The entire bridge crew agreed.

Richter found his voice. "He just like – "

"Jumped into the goddamn air," Kuchinawa finished.

"And the he"

"Totally"

"Fucking"

"Flew."

They high-fived over the awesomeness.

"Say, Raine," Sheena asked the good doctor. "How come you were actually coherent this time? Last time you started drooling over the Angel and Kratos had to give you enough tranquilizers to kill a small blue whale."

"Easy, Sheena. This one looked like a penis. I like girls." As if it was obvious.

"Ah."

Kratos turned to his second-in-command. "You know something, Yuan? I must be tripping balls because I could swear that the Eva just fucking flew."

* * *

11: Two down, one to go.

05: You mean two to go?

11: No. I mean there's only one battle left: Ramiel.

05: What about Jet Alone?

11: What _about_ Jet Alone?

09: …


	6. Return of the Flashback

[_The scene is black for a few seconds before the title jumps out at the audience_]

**Tales of Evangelion**

**Chapter 6: Return of the Flashback**

[_Theme music starts at the same time as the title appears. After fifteen seconds, the title recedes into the background and the opening crawl starts]_

It is a dark time for Tokyo-3. The citizens huddle together in underground shelters as their city falls apart around them. Those…things came seemingly from nowhere and immediately set to tearing down all that they had worked so hard to build. The monsters were enormous, hideous, and unstoppable. Even their government could do little to protect the people as the monster went on a seemingly endless rampage across the city. And along the way they somehow managed to kill two of the Angels.

01: Stop.

[_The hologram cuts off abruptly and the lights came back on, revealing the twelve monoliths of Seele_]

04: What's the problem? We haven't even started yet!

01: This is clearly copyright infringement. As powerful as I am, I don't need George Lucas's fat ass suing me as I attempt to achieve godhood or something.

05: Plus, at this point, it's the only true reference to _Star Wars_ aside from the last two chapter titles. Honestly, I don't think anyone is paying attention to them.

06: We blame the author! He could have at least tried to make more shout outs to the films, but all he did was name the chapter titles. We demand more or we're going on strike!

11: Oh thank you! You, author-man, keep pissing them off! Maybe they'll shut up for once.

06: You're mean. We don't like you.

11: What I coincidence, I don't like you three either.

01: Children, children. Please don't fight. I need time to sell tickets.

05: Um…don't we still have one more…you know what, I'll just run the recording anyway. We've come this far and I hate to quit now. You all can pay attention or not.

09: …

[_Fade to black_]

* * *

Tokyo-3 was in a sorry state following the battle between Unit 01 and Shamshel. Admittedly, most of the destruction was caused BY Unit 01, but hey, who was counting? Well, the UN and the Committee for Human Instrumentality. You know I haven't introduced the Committee yet. I wonder who would be on it in this universe. Let's find out, shall we?

The room was reminiscent of the empty area used by Seele to conduct their shadowy meeting, although Kratos would have no way of knowing this because he has never met with them, but you guys know what I'm talking about. Apparently, hologram technology had advanced to a ridiculous degree following second Impact, along with artificial intelligence and motherfucking giant robots. Meanwhile there's no mention of the Internet and laptop computers look like something from 2003. In fact, the laptop I'm typing this on right now is more powerful that any I ever saw in the anime.

But whatever.

Kratos sits in his usual pose, hands laced in front of his face. Directly across from him is Brute, head of the Committee (known informally by Kratos as Sir Baldy Bald IV). His default pose, if you will, was crossed arms and the Kubrick Stare, which caused the light to glint off of his bald (hence the nickname) head _just so_. He was an imposing man, but Kratos feared no one.

Brute sighed, rubbed the bridge of his nose and uttered a phrase that seemed to sum up most people's feelings when dealing with Nerv. "What. The. Fuck."

Kratos smirked. "My bald friend, whatever do you mean?"

The glare he received was enough to make Alex DeLarge cringe.

"You know exactly what we're talking about," Magner barked. He was a large man, though not as large as Brute. But he did have hair and was clad in golden armor that looked very uncomfortable. His mustache was kind of cool, too. "All the damage you've done to the city – "

"What Manger is trying to say," a blue-haired man interrupted. "Is that your escapades are very bad for our image as saviors of the world. How can we guide humanity to everlasting unity if the ones leading the charge are a pack of mindless baboons who destroy more than the save?" Decus ran a hand through his hair with a smile.

Alice, the sweet-looking girl spoke up next. "So here's how it's going to go down. You shape up and get your act together, or I'll sneak into your house in the middle of the night and have my little monsters take turns eating parts of you. Then when they're full, I'll take what's left of you and shove you in Decus's Iron Maiden, which I've fitted with spikes, roast you over a fire, and have a rather enjoyable feast."

"Good…good lord, Alice," Hawke sputtered. "That's horrible!"

"What was that, Hawkie-poo?" Her smile was so cold and souless that he shrank under her glare, quietly thankful that the holograms did not transmit the foul odor that was now wafting up from his boxers.

"N-Nothing, Miss Alice." Was that a tear? Probably.

"Ah, my sweet Alice," Decus pined. "Ever the masterful debater. She could convince the Israelis and the Palestinians to work together with that voice. Such a shame that she enjoys seeing them kill each other."

"Put a sock in it, Decus," she huffed.

Brute cleared his throat. "So, as you can see, we as a committee have reached this unanimous decision. With all deliberate speed, Aurion, get your shit together."

Kratos considered this for a moment. "Gentlemen – and Hawke – I have several things I would like to say to you. Number one: Alice, such an evening ranks up there on my list of the most romantic things I have ever heard. But I must warn you, I remain faithful to Anna." That was a blatant lie. "Second, do any of you possess a giant armored cyborg with unrivaled destructive capabilities, much less two? No? I thought so." Carefully, he stood. "So, all things considered, and with the highest possible respect, I'm afraid I must tell you all to kindly shove it."

He gave a mock salute and ended his hologram.

The Committee sat there for a moment. "He's right, you know," Hawke muttered.

"Shut up, Hawke," the rest replied in unison."

"Isn't today wonderful?" Marta spread her arms and lifted her face skyward.

"Meh," everyone else responded.

* * *

Despite Kratos's boldface stand against the Committee (the way he told it, you might have thought he was fighting at Thermopylae – there were Persian Immortals, three-headed dragons, and a man-eating rabbit, so I guess it's not Thermopylae but you get the picture) Yuan insisted that everyone quote "chill the fuck out" and sent them all off on a picnic.

Sheena cracked her fourth beer since starting out and downed it, tossing the crumpled empty can over her shoulder. Emil watched the can bounce down the hill, disappointed. Behind the party was a trail of litter that stretched all the way back to Sheena's apartment. Rather remarkable, really, considering that there was still enough food and drink left with them for an actual picnic.

Up ahead, Kratos reached into his coat pocket and produced a used candy bar wrapper and casually dropped it. Several minutes later, he repeated the action. "To show the Committee just how much I love them," he assured him.

"I bet."

* * *

05: I…look nobody's paying attention, right?

04: I play Man-Eater Bug in Defense Mode!

02: King me!

04: Aha! A natural 20! You lose 8 agility.

02: Wheezing's smokescreen protected me.

04: Yahtzee!

02: Headshot!

11: What the fuck game are you playing? I thought this was beer pong!

10: No one is paying attention, dude. Want to skip to the end?

05: To the battle, at least. I was asleep at the time.

Seele 01 was too busy giving himself a manicure to notice.

07: Where is – you know what? No. I'm not going to say that line again. It's not funny; it's lazy. I speak more than one line in the games, remember? That was just the first thing I said for a while.

**Well, look, I thought it was funny, so – **

07: Well it's not. There's already enough of us that don't speak sense in this council.

10: I have to agree dude, we need another rational person to say something other than kill everything, I hate everything, squawk, wheezing, ellipses, or annoying triple babble.

11: And laziness. Don't forget that.

10: Or bitchiness.

**Shit, my characters are rebelling against my control. I have to do something before – **

05: We can still hear you, you know.

…**Where that's section break?

* * *

**

**Ah, there we are. Now I am safe. So, like they said, we're skipping to the battle because nobody is paying attention.**

Somewhere out in the lake beyond the Tokyo-3 harbor – or is it the ocean? I don't fucking know. Anyway, out in the waters beyond the harbor (because apparently they have a harbor **ugh**) a lone periscope surfaced somehow without alerting the authorities that there is a large object swimming through the lake/ocean place. I mean, you'd think that radar would detect a freaking tank, but whatever.

Sergeant Avery Junior Johnson swung the scope around a few times before finding the city proper. "Oh my giant blue donkey dick," he swore. "Mother Nature's going Dungeons & Dragons on us, Private."

"Uh, what?" Private Jenkins continued to press buttons absently, making it look as if he was doing something important. In the last month of so, he had still not gotten used to Sarge's mannerisms. Or his hatred for nature.

"That bitch cast a big blue die on us, Private. And she just rolled a 20."

_Great, just great._ Ramiel, Hammer of God, Angel of Lightning, ran out of fuel right in the middle of the city. _Of course. Noooo I couldn't have ran out a couple miles back when there was actually a goddman fuel pump. No. I had to wait until I was hovering over the world's most heavily fortified secret paramilitary organization. Just fucking perfect.

* * *

_

10: Since when was Ramiel so bitchy?

05: You ever met her?

10: Well, no.

05: Be glad.

10: …_Her_?

* * *

"All right, Lloyd, this is a new Angel," Sheena explained. "You haven't fought one like this before."

Lloyd stuck a finger in his ear. "What do you mean?"

"I mean this one doesn't have a face."

"Where is Doctor Raine?" Presea asked. Sheena nearly jumped out of her clothes, having not noticed the creepy pink-haired child until just that incident. Which was strange, considering that she was actually standing right in front of her, actually blocking her view of Lloyd.

"She's uh…incapacitated."

* * *

Kratos held the babbling form of Raine Sage in his arms.

"Well, well. Doctor Sage, I presume?"

"sdfvlkjnlvrns ruvsvi;" She might have foamed at the mouth a bit. Also there was a rather large tranquilizer dart sticking out of her neck.

"Excellent. Shall I prepare the wine cooler?"

* * *

"Anyway," Sheena mentally blocked that last cutaway. "Get into your plugsuits and get into your Evas."

Presea raised her hand. "But I was scheduled for a reactivation test today."

"Already happened."

Presea blinked. "What."

"Yeah. We already did that, remember?"

"No."

"Well it happened."

"But I do not remember – "

**It happened. Trust me.**

As soon as Lloyd was launched up the lift to meet the new Angel, Richter turned to Kuchinawa. "You know, I'm tempted to make a Gurren Lagann reference, you know, because the Angel doesn't have a face?"

Kuchinawa just sighed. "Just, don't. This story already makes no sense. Might as well not cloud it up with half-assed jokes."

Scowling, the half-elf turned back to his work (which wasn't much now because nothing was going wrong yet) and muttered, "I thought it was funny."

* * *

_Damn it. Most of my systems aren't working. Well, let's see what _ is_ working. Hm. Levitation, check. Duh. Detection, check – oh? Something's coming up? Perfect. Just what I need. Yeah, just gonna send this asshat back to wherever he crawled out from. Don't need anyone asking question about a big, blue diamond. Let's see if the particle wave cannon still works…_

Unit 01 appeared above ground right in front of Ramiel, just as it started gathering energy. "All right let's do this – holy crap!"

The energy reached critical mass and lanced out in a brilliant display of theoretical physics. The light was blinding, searing the retinas of anyone that had not been evacuated, which, unlike Hurricane Katrine, meant that the city was deserted.

* * *

**I'm sorry, was that in bad taste? Tough ta-tas.

* * *

**

Even the visual dampeners used by Nerv had trouble coping with the light. It broke apart at the impact point, but luckily didn't damage anything important because the Angel had parked right over the Central Bloc, which had been retracted in a fascinating display of impossible physics. When the atomic energy light cleared, there stood Unit 01, crouched with its hands cupped and thrust forward. A thin shield of green energy was visible for an instant before it faded.

"That's right," Lloyd taunted. "I just used Guardian. I know how to use the guard button. See? X and Y both do it."

Yuan gaped. "When was Unit 01 installed with Nintendo GameCube controllers?"

Sheen shrugged. Colette, however, had an answer.

"Oh, I helped Lloyd with it the other day. He said the regular controls were too confusing, so we rerouted all the controls to be compatible with a NGC controller!" She seemed rather pleased with herself.

"So…he's controlling a giant war machine that was built to fight off an evil alien invader…with a video game controller?" He shook his head. "No way. Way too easy. Not gonna make that joke."

Kratos snapped his fingers. "It's like Megas XLR!"

Yuan facepalmed.

* * *

_Well, shit, that didn't work. Hm. I wonder if my transformation function still works._

The big blue diamond broke apart into a series of geometric shapes that changed like a giant kaleidoscope around the Core before forming back into the familiar shape.

_Shit, it's busted. I'll see if I can fix that. _

Lloyd, meanwhile, had drawn both of his prog swords and was charging the Angel with reckless abandon. He leaped into the air and brought the swords down with intent to pierce, but they glanced harmlessly off the surface. Unit 01 tried to land on the top next, but got no traction at all, and wound up sliding rather comically off the side.

"This isn't working," Sheena muttered to the Bridge Bunnies. "Reel him back in."

She meant that quite literally. A single press of the button started winding the spool of power cable backwards, dragging Unit 01 along with it. At first, Lloyd tried to resist, but in the end, merely sulked and crossed the cyborg's arms as it was dragged through the city on its ass. It was possibly the most humiliatingly hilarious way to damage the city.

_Guess I showed him. …But I'm still stranded. Fuck me. Hm. Hey, it looks like they've got an Angel captive underneath here. That means they must have a spare S2 engine!_

The bottom point of Ramiel twisted and extended, probing into the ground. The drilling was slow going, but, hey, she had nothing but time now that her S2 engine decided to crap out on her.

**Which, as you may or may not be wondering by this point, makes absolutely no sense.

* * *

**

Several hours later, Sheena, Yuan, Raine, the Bridge Bunnies, and the pilots were all gathered in the broom closet around a depressingly small map of the surrounding area. Also the closet was dimly lit. Now why is this? Couldn't they have used the threefold holographic map in the command center? I mean, are they worried about a spy or something, so worried, in fact, that they have to all squeeze into a closet with a handful of nameless workers that might, in fact, be spies? I have a number of problems with this scene, but I won't go into them much because there's a battle with a big blue diamond on the horizon and I'm getting impatient, dammit.

"Ok," Sheena began. "Thanks to the tireless work of our resident doctor-of-something, Raine Sage, we now have a decent idea of how to kill this motherfucker." Everyone carefully avoided looking at the good doctor, restrained in a straightjacket and facemask with metal bars across the mouth. She was also strapped to one of those things used to move boxes around. Perhaps if I just said "like Hannibal Lecture" it would be easier.

"I don't see why all of this is necessary," Raine remarked.

"Because you went batshit crazy the last time a non-Freudian Angel appeared over the city, so we're not taking any chances."

"Oh come _on_! Do you know what series we're in? Trying to find something non-Freudian is like trying to find someone who doesn't break down into tears at the end of the _Futurama_ episode with Fry's dog! It's impossible!"

"Well, whatever. It's funnier this way." Sheena turned back to the map. "So anyway, what originally was labeled under Shit That Makes No Goddamn Sense Whatsoever, henceforth referred to as Category B, has been reclassified under Shit That Can Only Be Explained With Made Up Terms And Concepts, henceforth referred to as Category A."

A couple of the nameless workers scribbled notes.

"Professor Raine, if you would?"

Grudgingly, the white-haired half-elf launched into an explanation of the composition of Ramiel. "Well, you see, the Angel is actually composed of a unique wave-particle material, that is, it sometimes acts like a particle, and sometimes as a wave, much like the electro – "

"Got it: magic," Lloyd interrupted.

"It's not magic! It's science!"

"I'm gonna go with Lloyd on this one, " Sheena said. "Basically, the Angel's magic skin is impervious to even our progressive weapons. Not very _progressive_ are they, then? Anyone? Anyone?" They left her hanging. "Oh you can all got to hell!"

Presea awkwardly cleared her throat. I say awkwardly, because it sounded like a chainsaw revving up. "So, if I understand correctly, we have to use a weapon with similar characteristics to the Angel in order to harm it?"

Raine blinked in astonishment. "That's…that's absolutely correct."

Kuchinawa nudged Richter in the side. "That was my next guess."

"So where do we find such a weapon?" Richter asked, staying on topic.

Sheena just grinned.

* * *

The roof of the Nippon Heavy Industrial Systems experimental weapons laboratory was torn away by a giant blue cyborg. With her free hand, Unit 00 reached in and took hold of the prototype particle accelerator, wrenching it free of the constraints and wires. The team of scientists and technicians were left speechless as the Eva set the roof back rather askew and marched off with the culmination of over a decade of research and development. Several seconds later, a paper airplane sailed into view and skidded to a halt on a work station. It was a folded note.

_Dearest NHIS,_

_We're borrowing you awesome particle accelerator cannon, kthnxbai!_

_Hugs and kisses,_

_Nerv._

_P.S. you probably won't be getting this back._

The lead scientist read the note and sighed. "Well, I guess we should get back to work on Jet Alone."

"What's Jet Alone?" asked another scientist.

"Exactly."

* * *

**I have now referenced Dungeons & Dragons, Halo, Gurren Lagann, Megas XLR, and Shinji & Warhammer 40K (because I think that's where NHIS came from) and we're not even at the fight yet. Remember, kids, this was supposed to be a Symphonia/Eva crossover. Starring Asuka. Funny how things change, huh?

* * *

**

"So why do we have to wait until midnight?" Lloyd sat beside Presea and stared up at Unit 01.

The pink-haired pilot of Unit 00 sighed. "Sheena said something about being more dramatic. Unfortunately, the Commander agreed. My suspicion is that it was all his idea in the first place."

"Makes sense."

"All right, bozos, saddle up!" Sheena smacked them both on the back of the head. "Lloyd, take the cannon. Presea, you take point with the space shuttle hull-shield thing. Thank god Obama cut NASA's budget or else we wouldn't have this thing at all. Might have been part of _Discovery_. Isn't that interesting?"

"Not really," Presea admitted.

"Just a little joke for the readers."

"Readers?"

Sheena rolled her eyes. "Just get ready."

* * *

"Looks like things are about to get interesting. Deforestation interesting. Surface, Private!"

Jenkins blinked. "Excuse me, sir?"

"Didn't ya hear me? I said bring this baby to the surface."

Private Jenkins stared. "You…you are aware that this is a _tank_ and not a submersible?"

"Then explain to me, Private, how the hell we've been able to drive this thing around in the water for the last three weeks?"

"The same reason that we haven't starved to death sir?"

Sergeant Avery Junior Johnson puffed on his eternal cigar. "That's right, Private. The very same reason."

Against all sense, the sub-tank surfaced and started moving towards the shore.

* * *

"Man, this thing is heavy," Lloyd whined over the radio.

"Shut up and deal with it," Sheena reprimanded. "You only need to make one shot. And don't drop it! Do you know how much trouble we're in if we break it?"

"Uh, well, none? Because we're Nerv…and basically above the law?"

"…well, yeah, but you're missing the…just shut up!"

Lloyd rolled his eyes. "Ready, Presea?"

"Yes." A moment of silence. "You're very good with patience, are you?"

"Not really. That's why I'm going to shoot now. So make sure you're not in the way, ok?"

There was still something like twenty minutes until Operation Demonic Evil Banshee begins. But Lloyd decided he was going to act now. Suddenly, all of Japan went dark as all of the electricity was channeled into the particle accelerator cannon.

**I seriously doubt it would take all of the electricity of one of the most developed nations in the world. I mean, the Large Hadron Collider doesn't' require the entire energy of Switzerland/France does it? No, and they smash TWO particles into each other! But here it takes all of Japan to fire a single shot? I guess this particle accelerator cannon is more like a laser weapon. But then the size of the Evas varies depending on the episode, so I suppose there's bigger things to worry about.

* * *

**

Colette looked up as the lights dimmed. "What's going on?"

"Lloyd is not acting according to the plan," Sheena slammed her head into the wall.

"Does he ever?" Kuchinawa asked.

"We have plans?" Richter exclaimed. "I thought we just winged it every time."

And these were the people tasked with saving the human race.

* * *

_Zzzzz – Huh? Woah, I fell a sleep there for a while. Damn, it's already night time. Hey, I'm almost through to the base! Woooo! Just a little bit more…and what is that energy I feel? A particle cannon? Oh HEEELL no!_

Ramiel started charging her laser as well. Both beams lanced out at the same time and nearly collided, but because of physics or something, the beams ended up repelling each other and went flying off in different directions. Probably off into space. Man, I hope it doesn't hit some alien spacecraft or anything. You know. Because it's not going to slow down in space.

Yeah.

_Bitch!_ Ramiel started charging up another beam. Lloyd wasn't going to be able to ready another shot from the particle cannon fast enough. All seemed lost! But then something exploded on the diamond's point facing the lake. Somehow, that blast was strong enough to nearly knock it over.

_Arg, what the hell was that?_

"Yeehaw!" The tank rolled across the city streets with Sarge sitting in a lounge chair over the cupola. "Fire again, Private!" Another shot roared from the barrel. "Yeah, take that bitch down like we did the Amazon Rainforest!"

_No! He hit my transformation drive!_ Ramiel broke apart into a shifting series of geometric patterns. Everyone watched dumfounded for a few minutes. Even Presea set the space shuttle shield aside and watched the strangely beautiful thing that was going on.

"Lloyd! Shoot! Shoot now!" Sheena was practically screeching into his ear.

"Yeah, yeah," he brushed off.

The particle cannon unleashed another shot that sailed past Presea and pierced the exposed core of Ramiel. The Angel stopped changing shapes and resumed its normal diamond form.

_Where'd I go just now?_

Then the rear point exploded outward and sprayed blood all over the city. Seconds later, the big blue diamond pitched sideways and fell out of the sky, flattening several blocks.

Kratos clapped slowly. "Well, we didn't cause as much damage as I thought we would. Bravo team; job well done."

Yuan fought the urge to strangle his boss.

Sheena meanwhile was staring blankly at the screen.

"Are you alright, Sheena?" Raine asked.

"It…all makes sense now." She blinked, suddenly having an epiphany. "He'll win. Our plans…won't work, but…his…I need to chill out." It was decided. Sheena would become a much more chill person. In an instant, she downed half a beer she produced from nowhere. "Oh yeah. I could get used to this."

_Boom!_ The tank leapt into the air and sailed over the corpse of Ramiel. Sarge opened the cupola and gave the Angel the double-bird salute.

"Fuck nature."

* * *

01: There now. We have somehow made it through all of the previous Angel battles. It was difficult. We suffered. We lost some valuable comrades along the way, and more than once I wanted to turn back. But we made it and I am honored that there was only one mutiny this time.

The mood of the rest of the Council of Seele was an even "Meh"

01: So now we arrive back to the origin –

02: Did someone say my name?

01: Of this conversation. Four Angels down –

05: And Jet Alone.

01: Yes, _and_ Jet Alone and they only seem to be getting stronger. Next on the list is Israfel. Are there any objections? Any _new_ objections, I mean. We made a list, and we have to stick by it.

07: Perhaps we can delay them a bit and hope that Nerv simply destroys itself.

05: That's not much different then Efreet's plan.

04: BURN EVERYTHING!

02: As much as I hate to agree with my frilly, nanny-boy of a superior, I have to. We need Nerv to stay alive until all of the Angels are defeated. But that doesn't mean I hate him any less. You hear me, Yggdrasil? YOU'RE A WUSS!

01 muted him.

11: So, what? We have to just wait this out and hope there's still a human race leftover for us to go into godhood?

01: Pretty much.

10: Damn.

07: I am very afraid.

04: How come _they_ get to destroy stuff, but I don't?

06: Hooray! Fun fun fun fun!

08: Squawk!

03: Eh? Quiet down in there! I'm trying to sleep.

09: …

12: I…hate…every….body…

* * *

**Yeah, I know, that was a short chapter. But really, I was getting tired of the whole Flashback arc anyway. It's to restricting. Perhaps that was my fault for limiting myself to only three chapters, but, hey, this story is supposed to be about Asuka, so I wanted to hurry up and get back to her. We'll be back in the present time next time.**

**Also, it was suggested that I put this in the crossover section. So I did. Traffic plummeted. So now it's going back in the regular Evangelion section and you're just all going to have to deal with the fact that it's a crossover.**

**An yeah, I just made an Author's Note within the context of the story itself. COME AT ME BRO!

* * *

**

Sergeant Johnson straddled the barrel of the Scorpion Tank as it rolled through downtown Tokyo-3, crushing cars and lampposts as it went. "I think I like this city, Private."

The cannon boomed and the tank flew into the air.


	7. Concerning Dragons

**Tales of Evangelion**

**Chapter Seven: Concerning Dragons**

* * *

It was actually a rare, peaceful day in Tokyo-3. No Angels were busy destroying the city for no discernable reason. No Evas were busy destroying the city for no discernable reason. Only three buildings had been taken down by Sarge since dawn. Seele was not in session (and therefore not almost accidentally revealing their existence) and the Committee for Human Instrumentality was up to their eyeballs (Brute's eyeballs) in paperwork for all the wanton destruction. The United Nations was enjoying being a superpower.

Yep everything was…boring.

* * *

{ToE}

* * *

So anyway out in the city a small rift in the fabric of reality occurred. A rift so small that hardly anyone noticed. Well, except that one guy who happened to be too close to the rift as it opened. He got pulled in and was never heard from again. But with Angels, Evangelions, and Sarge, one person missing wasn't going to show up on anyone's radar. In any case, when the rift closed, it left behind a mask. It was just sitting there, waiting to be picked up and put on. Just waiting…waiting…waiting…until _finally_ some schmo walked by and picked up the mask. Now, see, I wasn't there when this happened, so I can't relay exactly what he said at the time, but I guess it went something like this.

"Oh holy shit a free mask! I should pick this up and put it on before someone else does! Lolololololol I'm such a dumbass!"

I don't know; I'm not a doctor.

Whatever he said, the idiot put the mask on. Maybe it promised him candy that it had in the van around the corner. As soon as the unholy metal touched his face, he was possessed by an evil force. The power flowed all around him, clothing him in armor from head to foot, and draping over that armor a red cape. Because capes are cool.

The figure got unsteadily to its feet and stretched. Thousands of years of imprisonment will do that to a fellow. Beneath the mask, he smiled.

"For your entertainment, Jack... is...BACK." He summoned the Sword of Aeons and gave it a few test swings. "Jolly good."

Did I say evil? I meant badass.

Jack of Blades gave the city a cursory once-over. "Curious. This doesn't seem to be Albion, but then the Void does connect to an infinite number of parallel dimensions, so I suppose I should be grateful that I ended up in a habitable universe, eh?" After all, there was no reason that he couldn't create a cult that worshipped him in this universe, right? Damn straight!

"Now, let's see, my mind is a bit muddled from interdimensional travel and possessing an inferior mortal, so I can't quite remember what I wanted to do. Luckily, I wrote down the steps to world domination." He shook his head. "And just who the devil am I talking to?"

His notes took the form of a clipboard with elegant, flowing script on the front piece of paper.

"Step 1: Summon a dragon." He blinked. "That's step one? Really? Well, alright. The clipboard says so."

He took the Sword of Aeons in hand and jammed it into the space between dimensions, opening a portal to a universe where dragons existed.

* * *

**Elsewhere…**

It was a rainy day in the Artisan Realm, and a young, purple dragon was busy chasing sheep around. You know, because dragons eat sheep. "Is this rain ever going to stop?" he asked his dragonfly companion. "I've forgotten what the sun looks like. We should go on vacation: somewhere warm, somewhere sunny."

He spied a portal just over the hill.

"Dragon Shores! Yeah, I haven't been there since we kicked Gnasty Gnorc's butt. How 'bout it, Sparx, you up for a vacation?"

The dragonfly zoomed off, as if saying "Of course, you dumbass."

"Last one there's a Gnorc!" And the two companions dived headfirst into the portal.

* * *

{ToE}

* * *

Jack hmphed as the tiny purple form tumbled out of his dimensional rift.

"Hi! Which way to the…beach?"

Jack stared. Hard.

"What? You've never seen a dragon before?"

"Oh, I've seen dragons," Jack replied. "Huge, ferocious creatures, with wingspans that block out the sky, claws the can rend mountains, and fire that makes the sun seem less than an oil-lamp by comparison. I have ridden such ferocious beings and conquered entire civilizations – and then slaughtered them at my leisure. You, my pint-sized reptile, are no dragon."

"Am so! Sparx and I defeated Gnasty Gnorc and his army and freed all of the adult dragons from imprisonment."

Jack massaged his temples. "Ok. Let's assume you _are_ a dragon. Can you breathe fire?"

"Duh." He inhaled deeply (already a red flag in Jack's mind; dragons shouldn't need to do that) and expelled a cone of fire about three feet in front of him.

"That was awful. I can make better fire with magic. In my sleep." He sighed. "Can you fly?"

"Well, I can glide."

"What."

"If I get a running start, I can glide."

Jack facepalmed. The dimensional rift sealed up with a belching sound. "I hate this, but I guess you'll have to do." Reluctantly, he crossed Step 1 off of the list. There weren't any more steps after that one. His plans began and ended at dragons. Because dragons are fucking awesome. Except this one. This one was sickeningly adorable.

"Delightful. Follow me, would you?" They started off in a random direction. "Tell me, tiny flying reptile, what do they call you?"

"Spyro. And the dragonfly is Sparx."

"Lovely. I'll call you whatever I bloody well please. I am Jack of Blades. You may call me Jack."

"Uh huh. So, Jack, why did you bring me here?"

Jack uttered something between a sigh and a growl. "I didn't summon _you_, but if you must know, I need your help to conquer the world."

"Finally, someone recognizes my talents," Spyro exclaimed.

"You haven't listened to a word I said, have you?"

"You're damn right I am! Let's do this."

"At least you have the correct mindset. Maybe I won't disembowel you and divine the future from your entrails whilst simultaneously bathing in your blood. At least not for a while."

* * *

{ToE}

* * *

**Meanwhile in the world of Avalar…**

Ripto conquered everything. The end.

* * *

{ToE}

* * *

That's when Nerv's alarms started going off. Entire walls filled up with ALERT hexagons. Big, flashing, three-dimensional ALERT hexagons. Like the kind that takes years to develop to get the graphics to look just right. The kind that sucks away the entire rest of the budget so that nothing else in the damn facility works properly. Ever. You know the kind.

**Then I leaned forward and stared deeply into your eyes – into your very soul – and for that brief instant, we connected on a level that cannot be put into words. It was sort of like sex, but telepathic. And weird. Actually I guess it can be put into words. Then I broke the contact before it got any worse. Moments later, you realize you now truly understand the meaning of "mind fuck". And you wish you could return to time before that, to when your consciousness was still unsullied. Unfortunately for you, no such time exists anymore. For I now exist in your past, present, and future. No place you go is safe. I will always be with you. Remember that time you saw a hobo? That was me. It was always me. It will always be me.**

**Always.**

Yuan sighed under the blinding red light of hundreds of budget-draining ALERT signs. It was going to be one of _those_ days – by which he meant EVERY DAY HE WORKED AT NERV. Sometimes he had dreams of a time before Nerv. Or even after. They always seemed like a decent JRPG. Only he was a villain…he thought. Sometimes. It was hard to tell.

"What should be doing about this, sir?" He groaned inwardly, despairing over what Kratos might say.

He almost didn't look when he heard the crashes, but habit (and, though he was loathe to admit it, a bit of morbid curiosity) forced him to turn. Kratos has thrown everything off his desk – except his name plate, which appeared to be bolted to the desk now (Yuan dreaded the next time he decided to add a title to his name). Evidently, Kratos had carved what appeared to be a pie chart of different methods to deal with a situation. Using his sword as a pointer, the Supreme Commander of Nerv spun the Wheel of Fate.

Yuan didn't get a good look, but he was certain one of the options was "Murder the innocent".

No. Couldn't have been

(It was.)

Luckly, the sword didn't land on that one. Instead it came to an excruciatingly slow stop on "Do nothing" after narrowly avoiding "Just give up". Kratos shrugged and sat back in his chair, propped his feet up – and fell asleep.

All the alarms fell silent and everyone returned to their work uneasily. Yuan proceeded to beat his head against the wall.

* * *

{ToE}

* * *

Jack of Blades let out a long, tired sigh. This dragon was turning out to be a handful. And not for the usually reasons a dragon might be a handful. Except for the haphazard expulsion of feces – that was the same. He was like a goddamn monkey except that he couldn't throw it. I mean seriously. Dig a trench or something. Goddamn.

His latest migraine was caused when Spyro had attempted to show off his headbutt. Needless to say, the birdbath remained as still as, well, a marble birdbath.

"Enough," Jack declared, noticing the dragonfly, Sparx, had changed from yellow to blue. Odd. "Walk with me, young reptilian creature."

"What's up, Jackie?"

"Never call me that. Look. Things just aren't working out between us."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you can't fly, you can't breathe fire, you apparently have no real strength in your bones, and quite frankly you're adorable. Dragons are never supposed to be adorable. They need to be massive and ferocious, capable of razing an entire kingdom to ash in one day."

"How big?"

"Excuse me?"

"How big a kingdom? Like England, or France, you know."

"Hm. Well, France is a Republic now, so we can't use that. England – well that sank. I'd say an area about the size of New Jersey."

Spyro considered this. "Should I burn New Jersey?"

Jack chuckled. "Oh no, they have enough problems. Sending them a dragon would be insulting. Rude, even. I might a manipulative evil manifestation of evil spawned from the darkest depth of the Void – but I have manners you know."

"Sooo…" Spyro said slowly. "What're we gonna do?"

Jack stopped, facing away from the tiny purple dragon. "I'm afraid the only course of action is for me to rend your head from your neck, dismember your remaining limbs, slice open your belly from neck to groin, eviscerate you – that is to say, spill your entrails upon the pavement – then devour your soul and steal your wallet." He spun around, the Sword of Aeons poised like an executioner's axe. "Nothing personal. Any last words?"

But Spyro never got the chance, for at that moment, a modified blue 1981 Alpine Renault A310 slammed into the poor dragon and carried him several hundred feet _before the driver hit the brakes_, which sent him crashing back onto the pavement.

Jack stared. "Or you could get mangled by a drunken ninja woman's car. I'll have you know my way was less painful!" And he vanished.

The door was flung open and Sheena stumbled out. "Oh my god, did I just hit that dog?"

* * *

{ToE}

* * *

"So did you hear?" Emil asked Genis. "Sheena hit a dog on the way to work."

Genis snorted. "Like that's anything new."

They were seated at a table in the Nerv cafeteria while waiting Lloyd and Asuka to finish their sync test. Marta sat between them with Pen-Pen on her lap. Corrine munched on a piece of toast. Several large flat screen monitors ran a loop of the Nerv logo.

"But that's not it," Emil continued. "I heard it was bigger than a Great Dane, and purple with horns."

"What, like a dragon?" Marta rubbed the warm water penguin on the head.

Genis crossed his arms. "No, sounds more like her normal ramblings. 'Oh, I don't have those papers because a griffin stole them.' 'A sphinx wouldn't let me out of my house.' 'I hit a dragon.' Sounds more like she's _chasing _the dragon, to me."

Marta tilted her head, confused. "So she ran it over on purpose?"

"Never mind."

* * *

{ToE}

* * *

"And just what the hell is this?" Raine stopped dead in the doorway, mouth agape. A bloody, purple mess lay across her desk.

Sheena grinned sheepishly. "I, uh, kind of hit it with my car." She waited. "Can you fix it?"

Raine's mouth filled up with foam, her eyes rolled back, and she fainted.

* * *

{ToE}

* * *

When Lloyd, Presea, and Asuka got back from their sync test, the three non-pilots were already elbow-deep into a conversation (read: argument) on the difference between a dragon and a wyvern. Now, see, normally, Asuka would have thrown up her hands and walked away from them then and there, preferring not to deal with their rambling bullshit that inevitably would lead to destruction of public property, several arrests, and hurling vicious insults at an elderly florist. However, this was not one of those so-called normal times. Today, Asuka was intrigued.

"Did I hear something about a wyvern?" she asked, quickly sliding between Genis and Emil.

"Dragon," Emil insisted.

"Aren't we in Japan?" Marta's asked…no one, I guess. "Wouldn't it be a snake-like dragon? What is that a wyrm?"

Genis shook his head furiously. "No, no, no. Wyrm is a European term, so it couldn't be applied to a dragon found in the East. Besides, it's a – "

"It had four legs!" Emil shouted. "Four! That makes it a dragon, not a wyvern!"

"You never saw it, so how do you know?"

"Neither did you!"

"But I'm always right." Genis folded his arms as if that closed the matter.

"Boys, boys," Asuka soothed. "I know a way we can settle this dispute." She stole one of Lloyd's swords and shoved him to the floor. Raising the sword over her head, she placed a foot on his chest to keep him down. "Kill the beast!"

Apparently she has some Teutonic Knights in her ancestry.

* * *

{ToE}

* * *

Once the dragon was patched up, everyone decided that it was probably best if Kratos never found out about it. Naturally, he did. It was his daily attempt to woo Raine Sage that brought him down to the medical ward. Right in the middle of "physically seducing" the good doctor, the tiny purple dragon poked his head around the corner. Ten minutes later, the two of them sat opposite one another in an interrogation room.

"Since when do we have an interrogation room?" Sheen asked Yuan as they watched from the other side of a two-way mirror.

"Since Kratos ordered it put in so he could interrogate people."

"Terrorists?"

"No," Yuan sighed. "Just…people. Random pedestrians. Old ladies, even."

"Huh."

Inside, Kratos laced his fingers. "If you come in peace, surrender," he offered. "If you're here to make war – we surrender."

Sheena and Yuan facepalmed.

* * *

{ToE}

* * *

"Why are we crawling through the ductwork?" That sounded like Emil.

"Because shut up, that's why!" Asuka thrust her leg backward and caught him right in the face.

"Why do you keep talking?" Genis asked. "It never goes well for you."

"Yeah," Emil agreed. "I really should know better by now.

"Can I have my swords back?" Lloyd complained from behind Genis. "I feel naked without them."

"You can have them back after we kill the beast," Asuka insisted for the hundredth time. "And only if I feel like it. Who knows, I might decide that I like them better."

"Awwwww."

"No whining, worm!" She kicked Emil in the face, who kicked Genis in the face, who kicked Lloyd in the face. Hard. The half-elf was not about to take Lloyd's punishment without some kind of satisfaction. Meanwhile, Marta trailed behind, deciding if it was too late to avoid getting caught up in any further shenanigans. It was, but she had to hope. Besides, if she looked at just the right angle, she could sort of see Emil's butt.

Asuka stopped over a vent and peered through the space between the bars. "This is it, boys – and Marta – this is what we've been training for."

"Training?" Genis snorted. "You mean chasing Lloyd around the cafeteria for ten minutes?"

"No talk-back!" Genis got a face full of Emil's foot, courtesy of Asuka. He kicked Lloyd. Just because.

Asuka braced herself –

* * *

{ToE}

* * *

Sheena and Yuan were about ready to die. Kratos had been in "negotiations" now for about ten minutes, and already he had surrendered to the dragon, as well as every employee's bank accounts, and Unit 00. And the dragon had not uttered a single word. Well, that's not entirely true. He had _tried_ to talk, but Kratos took that as a sign of its displeasure – and that's when he offered up Unit 00.

Mercifully, the ventilation cover was kicked down and Asuka followed, brandishing Lloyd's swords. He and the other tumbled down seconds later. She crossed the swords over her head in an X formation and shouted, "KILL THE BEAST!"

When Sheena glanced over, Yuan was gone.

Kratos abruptly stood from his seat and drew his sword. "You shall not harm this creature – he is under my protection until negotiations are finished!" He and Asuka met swords as Lloyd and Emil tackled the dragon – and then the three of them crashed through the two-way mirror and raced down the hallway.

Sheena blinked. "What."

"I know, right," remarked Marta, who was now standing at her side.

"I…I'm not hallucinating, right? All this is actually happening?"

"Asuka is fighting Kratos with Lloyd's swords. Lloyd and Emil and struggling to hogtie that purple dragon as it races through Nerv. And Genis is busy attempting a blood ritual to smite this entire facility to rubble."

Sheena surveyed the area, taking it all in.

"Huh."

* * *

{ToE}

* * *

Sanity had become a precious commodity, Yuan decided. A non-renewable resource that was rapidly being drained by the members of Nerv. As far as he could determine, only he remained perfectly sane.

The Bridge Bunnies were…a mixed bag. Kuchinawa seemed perfectly logical, but that was only because he was busy NOT trying to kill Sheena. Colette was, well, a ditz with no sense of balance and, he was convinced, never learned how to walk. And Richter – he actually hadn't said much, so while he might be a valuable ally, Yuan was forced to assume the worst. Schrödinger be damned.

"So that's pretty much the situation. We have a tiny purple dragon loose in headquarters."

Richter raised his hand. "Seriously?"

Yuan considered this. "Yes."

Richter folded his arms and nodded to himself. "I'd like to hand in my two-week notice."

"Denied," the subcommander answered quickly.

"Damn," Richter swore. "Almost had it this time."

"Any other questions?"

Richter again. "Since we apparently won't be leaving this insane asylum any time in the conceivable future, are we going to, you know, do anything about the dragon?"

"Our glorious leader has spun the wheel of fate." As if that explained everything. "He's actually currently engaged in a swordfight with Asuka."

Colette raised her hand. "Is the dragon in any way, snuggly?"

Yuan opened his mouth, paused, frowned, and opened his mouth again. Like a ventriloquist dummy whose operator had forgotten that he was supposed to speak for the dummy. "I…don't know how to answer that. Um. Maybe?"

"Kay!" She smiled and started working back and forth in her seat.

"Right. Um. Yeah. So, we need to mount some sort of offensive, since…you know…"

"Everyone else is fucking useless?" Richter offered.

"Yes. Thank you." He sighed. "Any ideas? Kuchinawa?"

But Kuchinawa didn't answer. He didn't answer because he didn't have any plans. He didn't have any plans because he was a straw figure of himself. Kuchinawa had vanished.

Yuan rubbed the bridge of his nose. "How does he always get me?"

* * *

{ToE}

* * *

Sarge was…confused to put it mildly. Normally, pedestrians fled in terror at the sight of his tank barreling down the streets of Tokyo-3. They would void their bowels and flee as if the devil himself was on their heels, eager to drag their souls to hell. A number of them had formed a semi-religious organization which posited that Sarge was actually an agent of the Angels and/or the devil. But that was ridiculous.

Sarge hated the Angels.

In any case, this pedestrian didn't run in bowel-voiding terror. This one stood there, curious, eyeing the tank with a sort of amused condescension.

Sarge kicked open the cupola. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Jack of Blades bowed politely. "Analyzing your machine for fatal flaws. I have discovered…several."

That got Sarge's ire going. "Who the hell do you think you are?"

"Oh no one special – just an agent of a dimension of absolute nothingness, a force of nature unmatched in sheer magnitude, an unstoppable – "

"Nature?"

Jack frowned. How _dare_ this mortal interrupt him! "Yeeeesss…."

"Then saddle up, Nancy. You're about to get put on a three-legged horse bound for the nearest telegraph station to hell!"

"That didn't make any – "

BOOM!

* * *

{ToE}

* * *

Zelos looked around the empty set. "Why haven't I been in this chapter yet?"

**BECAUSE.**

"You…you don't really know where this is going anymore, do you?"

**What? Nonsense! Who told you that? They're lying! Get off my back!**

* * *

Emil had long since let go of the dragon, but Lloyd had somehow managed to get on its back and ride it around the base like a horse until it wore itself out. It was a strange sight to see Lloyd dragging the tiny purple dragon down the hallway by its tail. He struggled to speak before Lloyd noticed him and ordered him to help out. They acquired some rope and a pole and tied the dragon by its feet and carried it like a human sacrifice to a Polynesian cannibal feast. That was an even stranger sight to the workers at Nerv.

Sheena was speechless when they rounded the corner and presented the dragon to her. "What next?" Lloyd asked.

"Your father is fighting Asuka."

"Awesome."

* * *

{ToE}

* * *

Genis passed out from blood loss and had to be carried away from the insanity, leaving only Asuka and Kratos. At some point during the fight, her hair had come out of their signature pigtails and hung loosely about her shoulders. A strange determination had come over her. It no longer mattered why she was fighting him (because, honestly, she had no fucking clue). The point was now to win at all costs.

Time was nothing as she delivered blow after blow, parry after parry. Steel on steel was her timepiece, their heavy breathing a marker of the hour. In the time since she had begun the fight, her technique had improved slightly. No longer was she simply flailing the swords around – now she swung with purpose, drive.

Her arms ached and stung with each swing, sweat matter her hair to her face. At some pint she had simply chopped off her bangs so that she could see. This was a match of unflinching resolve – a test of will between two unstoppable…

…And that's when she slipped on a pool of her own seat and went down. Kratos stood over her, sword point to her nose.

"Do you yield?"

"Grr…fine."

He sheathed his sword and helped her up. "You put up a wonderful fight. You could teach my son a thing or two."

"The hell I will."

* * *

{ToE}

* * *

Jack of Blades strode down the street. And I mean on the street. As in, the fucking middle of the road. Traffic was literally at a standstill as cars swerved to avoid hitting the strange pedestrian. Well, they were now; the first few met a messy end in another dimension of pain. Entirely of pain. Where existence itself was torture and you begged for death, only to know the disappointment that you will have no escape from the pain. It was something Jack cooked up in middle school - a combination of mathematics, physics, and a dash of occult studies.

His parents were so proud.

So now, Sword of Aeons in hand, traffic at a standstill, pedestrians running in fear, Jack paused in the middle of the chaos.

"Now it's time I summoned a real dragon."

He plunged the Sword into the space between worlds, fishing around for a realm that seemed right. After some searching, he found one: a realm of dreams and magic where the mortals and immortals both could visit; the home of a lost eternity, a golden city turned to darkness by meddling mortals.

In this realm, Jack heard a sweet, siren call. While immune to its effects, he followed it anyway to its source, curious. After some wandering he found the origin; lo and behold, it was a dragon. And a big one. It awoke to his touch, giving Jack a taste of its power. He liked what he felt. Bringing the sword down to the ground, he carved a large portal between the worlds, an opening for the dragon to enter through.

Tokyo-3 trembled at the might. The very air turned heavy and thick. Something like music flowed out of the portal, calling to every mortal. Some went insane, screaming. Others wept and fell to the ground in something like worship. Most, though, simply stared in wonder as the beast arrived through the rift. A massive head lumbered lazily through, followed by an equally massive body and tail that almost doubled its length. Each footstep was like a tremor that shook buildings and shattered windows and set alarms off. And then it spread its wings and took to the air.

Urthemiel, Dragon of Beauty, Archdemon of the fifth Blight, and Old God of the Tevinter Imperium raised loosed a terrible cry into the air, calling her servants.

This land was hers now.


End file.
